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The Northwood Howler

The Student News Site of Northwood High School

The Northwood Howler

The Student News Site of Northwood High School

The Northwood Howler

Kindergartener’s Universal Math Operation Notes: A trauma unleashing advice column

OPERATION+GET-ME-OUT%3A+Constantly+stressed+and+confused+under+loads+of+multiplication+worksheets.+
Abby Warnock
OPERATION GET-ME-OUT: Constantly stressed and confused under loads of multiplication worksheets.

There is an ominous “cheer-y” circle on the crisply-cut edges of the four-by-seven paper, smiling lifelessly without a gleam of light in its eyes. Yes, it’s the PTSD-inducing psychological warfare weapon we all recognize and hate (unless you’ve fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome induced by the hallucinogen-classified white walls, which, in that case, WAKE UP!!!!!! READ THIS ARTICLE!!! BREAK FREE FROM THE SPELL!!!!). 

At M.A.D, short for Math-All-Day, every parent’s favorite money grabber, trauma, I mean terror, I mean training, starts from the wee age of as-soon-as-you-can-read. Along with early-onset burnout, here are five core values embedded into MAD, aka the real school after school. 

  1. Copycats get work done. Inventing new methods to get out of doing work is part of the training we include. Sneaking the answer key sheet under your shirt and into the bathroom is a key learning target. (Pro tip: NEVER forget to check that you’ve locked your stall before doing this.)
  2. Come late or not at all. Come in five minutes before the center closes to maximize work avoidance. In the worst-case scenario, you’ll receive a few disappointed sighs and side glares from the teachers. Stuck on a vocab problem? No worries. Just tell them you’ll do it at home.
  3. Remember the Holy Trinity: Blood, Tears and excessive amounts of Sweat. True math fact: One less crying kid is worth more than a thousand math problems, but only if you’re willing to commit to it. Get yourself a real (or fake, but you have to make it really believable) paper cut and bleed all over the worksheet and you’re out. If bodily mutilation isn’t your thing, go on a quick run before entering the center. Especially when crammed shoulder-to-shoulder with tens of other children and teachers, the stankiest one is always the first to be pushed out the door.
  4. Demolish all evidence. At all costs. Stick to any lie you come up with, even if it means playing dumb at times (Pro tip: Never use “My dog ate my homework” unless you have proof of your homework in your dog’s feces). ALWAYS stick to one plot and argue it regardless.
  5. They said no finger counting, but not TOE counting. To brace yourself for the worst days of endless math worksheets, invest yourself in a pair of handy dandy Crocs. Look down at the floor, slowly slip out of your rubbery Crocs and unravel your toes to begin counting: three, four, five, six…. 
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About the Contributors
Anna Cho
Anna Cho, News Editor
Anna is the News Editor for Northwood High School. If she doesn't respond to you within four hours, she's probably just busy testing out the perfect avocado:salt ratio to replicate Chipotle's divine guacamole recipe.
Abby Warnock, Graphic Artist
Abby Warnock spends her seventh periods doodling for The Howler as a graphic artist. After seventh, you'll probably find her sitting in her car waiting for an opportunity to escape the chaotic parking lot. At all other times, she's either making the yearbook, running ASL Club, or enthusing about her love for geology–don't take her puns for granite.

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