Have you ever wondered what happened after you regifted your distant relative’s cookbook last week? Well, The Howler’s star staff writer Rapping Paype R. sat down with a neglected candle to bring exclusive insight on abandonment syndrome.

The Howler: Can you briefly introduce yourself?

Pine Cedar Cinnamon: My name is Pine Cedar Cinnamon Candle, item number 928934. I was born at Bath and Body Works.

TH: What’s your backstory?

PCC: I’m part of an exclusive holiday collection, and unlike other gifts, I only have one shot at freedom.

TH: Describe the moment you realized you were going to be chosen.

PCC: I just couldn’t believe my luck—I was actually going home this holiday season! I later found out that I was gifted to newspaper adviser Marina Alburger.

TH: What happened after that?

PCC: At first, I had no suspicions. In fact, I was hopeful that this was my final home when she said, “This is perfect!” Little did I know, she meant as her contribution to their family’s annual White Elephant. Her young niece and nephew threw a fit when they were stuck with me, and now I’m sitting in the back of a cabinet; the only thing being lit is my loneliness.

TH: What would you say to gifts who are anxiously preparing for this holiday season?

PCC: Find joy within yourself, and know that being kept doesn’t define your worth. Also, make sure to savor moments before they become memories, because you may be revenge-gifted to your aunt for sending dish soap every year.

TH: What message would you want to give shoppers?

PCC: As exciting as it is to receive a wrapped gift, consider baking goods or scrapbooking. Experiences and quality time won’t be found under an overpriced tree. Together, we can break this cycle because no gift deserves to be regifted. #nopresentlikethepresent