SATIRE

Much like money itself, Senior Assassins season doesn’t change people. It only exposes them. Seniors bluff, bribe and betray their way through the game in hopes of attaining the $1,170 prize. But you must outwit them. Read and carry out these exclusive tips on how to navigate your way to becoming the last assassin standing. 

1. The best offense is a good defense. Carry at least five types of water weaponry on your body at all times. This must include a portable hose and personal water fountain. It is necessary that you also pick up on the delicate art of quick-change magic to add to your defensive skill set.

2. Your assassin may attempt to follow your car to your house, so vary your schedule wildly. This includes never showing up to class on time, staying in the weight room after practice for at least one hour longer than necessary and walking your dog at dawn. Stealth is wealth.

3. If you have yet to have received some type of childhood athletic training, ask Coach Louis Muniz if you can join the track and field team late—he would be particularly eager to teach you how to scale ceilings and jump between skyscrapers. Invest in quality racing cleats in order to successfully escape a classic street chase.

4. The gamemasters are just like you and me–money hungry. They can be found at the Oak, SAC or Chick-fil-a most days and would not object if you slid a few Benjamin Franklins in their pocket in exchange for a name or two. They would also take payment in the form of assorted Trader Joe’s delicacies and gold bars.

5. Have a quick getaway ready. Construct a series of underground tunnels throughout the city. You should also dig a few secret passageways underneath Northwood, taking care to not destroy the ones that already exist. If you sense that you’re being followed home after school, take one of the quickest escapes through the pothole in the corner of the garden near the 1000s building (you didn’t hear that here) and you’ll be out of their pursuit and coasting underneath Irvine Boulevard in no time.

6. Cut off all of your friends. You never know when you’ll be betrayed or if your assassin will show up at one of your hangouts. You might as well break off the friendship before they do.

7. Create a new identity. Chances are, your information and home address are already on White Pages. Start with changing your last name (preferably to Delvey) and begin scouring the Zillow market as soon as possible for a new and necessary home.