The great scholar and poet Megan Thee Stallion once declared in what is widely considered the cornerstone of Western philosophy, “And when we say it’s Hot Girl Summer, we ain’t talkin’ ‘bout degrees.”
“Hot Girl Summer” was the great movement of the summer of 2023 for many, but as the hot summer days melt away, people are finding themselves looking down at their tube tops and sinfully short shorts thinking, “You know what would be great? If I was covered in brown from head to toe, had a chunky infinity scarf on and was holding a hot beverage.”
As the people grow more and more restless, a new leader will rise out of the people’s cries for dead foliage and cold wind stinging their noses. She had striking blue eyes, wore a pair of skinny jeans that the people had not dared to touch since 2017 and most importantly, was a white woman in her mid-thirties. Millennial Girl Autumn had arrived.
Her following grew in size every day, and as such, the Northwood population finds a tingle in their bones, a desire to be like the other girls.
We, as humans, adapt to changing times: Here is the guide to living your best Millennial Girl Autumn life, Northwood style.
Step One: Unleash your inner millennial
Being a millennial comes with intense propaganda throughout the household. Stop by your local crafts store to purchase tacky household signs that say in big, bold letters: “Live, Laugh, Love!” or “Home is Where the Heart is” to let everybody know that you’re rocking the millennial aesthetic and proud!
To enhance the realism, try purchasing bright blue contacts and wear them 24/7 with a huge smile and an unblinking stare to truly create a lasting (and spooky) impression on your neighbors.
Step Two: Dress like it
Fall staples every girl should own include a nice, neutral-toned cable-knit sweater, the classic brown Uggs and a brown scarf. Put the sweat in sweater in Southern California’s 100-degree weather by ALWAYS bundling up! Dripping sweat and melted make-up are in for Fall.
If heat-stroke chic is not your thing, try thrift-flipping your sweaters with a couple of large, gaping holes to achieve the true ragged, thrift aesthetic while also providing some air ventilation for your overheating body.
And to adapt to the Southern California climate, try being creative and innovative. Try Cruggs! A cross between every Northwood student’s favorite footwear (the classic Croc) and a Fall Girl essential (the Uggs). You’ll truly get the best of both worlds.
Step Three: Change up your diet
If Hot Girl Summer consists of refreshing pina coladas, salads and ice cream cones, Millennial Girl Autumn should be spent foraging for nuts like a squirrel.
Pack those cheeks full like a chipmunk as the extra blood flow to your face will give you that healthy Marie Antoinette glow. If you’re allergic to nuts, all the better. Pray the EMT who rescues you with an EpiPen is good-looking. Now that’s a meet-cute.
