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The Northwood Howler

The Student News Site of Northwood High School

The Northwood Howler

Swithoum sees uptick in legal proceedings after IVF ruling

Madeleine Pham
ILLEGAL TRANSPORT: Kids was caught in violation of the new ruling.

Renowned pro-life activist Eilik Kids was arrested on suspicion of child endangerment Tuesday after he allegedly broke into a Momgotmoney hospital’s fertility clinic and smuggled  out 752 embryos in a large trench coat.

Police pulled Kids over after they observed him illegally driving in the carpool lane, which prohibits cars with fewer than two passengers. They subsequently observed the embryonic children not properly strapped into child safety restraint seats resulting in the charges. Kids maintains that he was simply protecting them from child abuse and neglect at the hands of hospital staff.

“They were keepin’ these babes locked up in a freezer!” Kids said. “These children could grow up to cure cancer, and it’s absolutely unlegal [sic] and un-American for these liberal hospitals to keep children locked up in freezers!”

Kids’ actions come after a monumental ruling Feb. 16 when the Swithoum Supreme Court ruled that embryos that are not in utero were to be considered living, non-breathing children. Keeping them in freezers was not only child neglect and abuse, Chief Justice Man Dator Ibirth wrote in a majority opinion, but also a violation of the embryo’s fundamental pre-birth rights. The ruling remains consistent with Swithoum’s strict policies regarding abortion and birth control, which are completely outlawed. 

“We believe that in American law, consistency is key,” Justice Christian Oldman said. “All life is precious, and if the people didn’t get the message from our controlled burning of every abortion clinic in the state, then yeah, IVF embryos absolutely are kids. We’re also reviewing cases that would evoke the Swithoum people’s rights to condoms, hysterectomies and tampons. ” 

The ruling has evoked a variety of legally unclear cases due to what political experts deem “a vague ruling.” In the recent primary election, multiple people were arrested for voter fraud after filling out multiple ballots. When questioned, they all pointed at the nearest hospital, where their IVF embryos had been stored for over 18 years.

“My child has no arms, no legs and certainly no fingers that can hold a pen long enough to cast a vote, but by law it is over 18 years old,” angered parent Legit Mother said. “We need to speak up for our pre-birth kids until the moment they are born. Then, who cares what happens to them?””

Swithoum hospitals have reported a massive spike in couples looking to create embryos by IVF ahead of the tax filing season this April. Legal experts have theorized that embryos could be claimed as dependents on tax forms, reducing the tax burden for individuals. 

“They circled ‘A’ for every question,’” nurse Unda Paid said. “We have so much paperwork coming in by the second that we’re having to redirect personnel from the NICU and oncology just to handle the thousands of IVF appointments we have scheduled this month.”

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About the Contributors
Lucy Kim
Lucy Kim, Junk Editor
Lucy is tired. Lucy would like to go home. She was unfortunately given the ability to project the demons of her mind palace to the entire school. Lucy is taking bribes through Venmo @klucy243.
Madeleine Pham
Madeleine Pham, Graphic Editor
Madeleine Pham is the Graphics Editor of the Howler. She is a big green tea enthusiast and is an adamant chocolate hater (it’s the aftertaste and texture). If you ever find her, make sure to give her a book recommendation that she can add to her “To Be Read” spreadsheet. Fun Fact: She draws most of her graphics with her fingers.

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