In a landmark decision that shook the country, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Forrights v. Alabama that women were to be temporarily considered full citizens of the United States starting March 1 for 30 days, reauthorizing the rights to bodily autonomy, mandating equal pay and benevolently allowing for IVF and access to birth control.
The 5-4 decision, which comes after the overturn of Roe v. Wade in 2022, was catalyzed by a lawsuit from prominent Instagram influencer Sue Forrights after the February Alabama Supreme Court ruling that threatened the availability of IVF in the state and raised concerns nationwide.
While initial arguments in the Supreme Court indicated a decision against Sue, a calendar notification on Justice Brettly Righteous’s phone reminding them of Women’s History Month triggered a sudden and startling change of mind, tipping the case in favor of the plaintiff.
“You know, I just felt very generous today,” Righteous said in an interview with The Feminist. “We do expect that at 12 a.m. on April 1, all feminists will promptly stop complaining and go back to their rightful place after having been indulged for a month. ”
The ruling on the case was authored by the Chief Justice under the close supervision of the phantom ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who shockingly appeared at the last minute to cast a vote.
Unfortunately, the Supreme Court put out a statement stating that the force of the famous liberal justice’s sudden appearance accidentally toppled Justice Clarice Bluetrain’s chair in court, causing minor injuries.
“I hope that my dear friend Clarice is doing well,” Ginsburg said. “I think he’s being treated at the Planned Parenthood urgent care center near the Stonewall Inn in New York, which has turned into a healthcare facility providing accessible birth control and, not just abortions, but also necessary reproductive health care. Good for him!”
The decision has sent shockwaves throughout the nation, with makeshift abortion clinics reopening and last-minute get-out-the-vote efforts focused on turnout amongst female voters surging. Progressive groups are expressing their gratitude for the Supreme Court’s historic restoration of women’s rights.
“I mean, it’s just jaw-dropping,” UCI law professor Justice Warrior said. “The court has truly outdone itself with their remarkably consistent and sound jurisprudence, just like their financial disclosure forms—which, I’m sure, are just misplaced somewhere.”
However, many religious and conservative groups are assailing the decision as a radical decision that has uprooted American society.
“The court seems to be hijacked by liberal activist judges who are hell-bent on turning back time to the ungodly era of social justice warriors and radical feminism,” political commentator and podcast owner John A. Patriot said. “America must stand firm in its commitment to tradition and heritage as ordained by God. This isn’t Barbie Land!”
The temporary nature of this decision has left many wondering what is to come next, with some pushing for a codification of these revolutionary new rights and others calling for the swift end of what they call an undemocratic and radical leftist conspiracy theory. Legal experts, however, say that without the presence of Ginsburg’s ghost moving forward, it is unlikely that these new rights will last for long.
“You know, I’m sure the ultraconservative majority will be very reasonable and have great reasoning,” Warrior said. “On a totally unrelated note, I’m moving to Canada in two weeks, permanently, before there is a travel ban against women or something.”
In the meantime, the court is expected to rule on the constitutionality of a mandatory minimum beard length for all male citizens to “preserve traditional masculinity” within the next few weeks.
