Amid the five-page syllabuses, never-read unit calendars and ambitions of being an “absolute academic weapon” in shambles by an 63.89% in Calculus sometime in mid-September, a staple of every back-to-school season at Northwood are the never-ending seminars on note-taking. You might think they may be discussing the revered (or reviled) Cornell Notes, but no. Irvine’s students don’t get into the Ivy Leagues with just regular methods.
Today, The Howler will take you through an exclusive look at some of Irvine’s most sought-after note-taking strategies. Take out your notebooks and pens, T-wolves: These just might be your fast-track methods into the top 50 universities more powerful than daily SAT prep classes.
1. NORTHWOOD: The home of the Timberwolves, where even the coyotes from the avocado orchards murmur complex algebraic equations and the impact of federalism on modern-day policies of the F.D.A., adopted the “Northwood Method” in 2001. It is said that Northwood students must author a minimum 50 pages of notes on Google Docs, free of factual or grammatical mistakes and peer-reviewed by three other student experts on the topic.
This method is notorious for being the No. 1 cause of student car accidents in Irvine. You can spot students at 8:29 a.m. on Wolf Trail, frantically squeezing in a few words in the ever-classic Times New Roman 12 pt font, as if hitting that 50-page mark (scientifically proven, by the way) and getting into an accident would somehow forgive their poor life choices. Meanwhile, that student parking lot? You’ll have an easier time getting reception in the 1400 building on T-Mobile than finding an entryway into that monstrosity of a maze.
The plus side is that the faithful application of this tried-and-true method is said to instantly guarantee an A+ on any upcoming surprise tests—unless it’s AP Literature, where the real surprises are the existential crises one tends to experience during a five-page poetry analysis at 8:45 a.m.
2. PORTOLA: Northwood’s ultra-modern neighbor, Portola, stands tall and proud with its state-of-the-art technological facilities. It’s no surprise, then, that they have incorporated their gadgets into every nook and cranny of the school. Here, the very idea of pen and pencil is scoffed at; It is simply blassé. iPads are not only recommended but required for this ultra-modernist note-making strategy.
If you don’t have access to one, no worries! You can simply head down to the school’s dedicated Apple Student Store to rent out the latest iPad Pro. In Portola, the future isn’t just near—it’s already downloaded and installed on 5G+.
3. UNIVERSITY: University High School, known as the timeless arch-nemesis of Northwood—trading both taunts and the top Irvine spot on the U.S News Ranking of High Schools annually—is a school that, contrary to the technocratic educational regime of Portola, likes to stick to tried-and-true methods of meticulously carving cursive words into fine-crafted Greek stone tablets. Those notes are then hauled into campus in the backs of horse carriages (they couldn’t possibly put those sharp objects into the trunks of their Rolls Royces and Teslas) and turned in for bi-weekly check-ins.
Turns out, though, requiring physical copies of multiple 60-pound stone tablets was not such a great idea. Stories of craters on classroom floors are rampant, with rumors of enraged parents in PTA meetings. Really, is there any question as to why their school is in disrepair?
The cherry on top is that even their ancient method couldn’t even top that of Northwood, which landed the school in the No. 1 spot in Irvine this year (with University trailing on only second place).
4. WOODBRIDGE: With an emphasis on creativity and pizazz, the Warriors have transitioned into a more visual-focused approach. Instead of turning in college-ruled notebooks from the stationary aisle, students perform elegant interpretive dances on topics such as the quadratic formula that put New York Broadway performances to shame.
Woodbridge’s ASB holds annual student engagement-fostering competitions where the top -three pieces are turned into play productions. “The Book of Puritans in 18th-century America” and “In The Heights of Romanticism in Literature” apparently attracted lines rivaling the lines of school kick-off days, an impressive feat of any voluntary participation activity on campus.
*The Northwood Howler is not responsible for any blood feuds awakened by this article.
