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The Northwood Howler

The Student News Site of Northwood High School

The Northwood Howler

The Student News Site of Northwood High School

The Northwood Howler

Barbie’s Advice (and Ken’s unsolicited but not necessarily unwelcomed opinion)

Madeleine Pham

Dear Howler, how can I avoid waiting in line for half of my lunch time at the cafeteria?

Barbie: The best way to avoid waiting in line for, like, forever at the cafeteria during lunchtime is to plan ahead! My friend Midge likes to bring her own black-and-white lunch from home, which cuts the waiting time down by 100%. My best strategy is to team up with your favorite gal pals and take turns holding a spot in line! Remember, your girls always got your back. You got this, fabulous, and good luck!

Ken: Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna make a run for it. Just run. Like, really fast. Make use of the fully articulated knees that you have. With those, you can beat the athletes and the track stars and the Barbies that run surprisingly fast. How? Well, I don’t need to explain the details to you. You need to be more like Ken, then you’ll understand. …You can outrun me? Get out of here.

Dear Howler, when is an okay time to use the bathroom?

Barbie: You are entitled to use the restroom at any time! Lawyer Barbie, read them their rights.

Lawyer Barbie: Hi Barbie! Lawyer Barbie here. Being able to access a clean, safe and functional bathroom is a human right. If anyone tries to stop you, contact your union rep!

Barbie: Thanks, Lawyer Barbie! Just remember that it’s ideal to go during breaks so you don’t miss out on any education time. Although, aren’t all rules arbitrarily just made up due to the human desire for structure in order to keep man’s inherent evil at bay? …Huh. Anyways.

Ken: If you wanted to go, you could go. Like, just right there. In your pants. Who owns you? No one! Piss your pants like a champion. But I do have to notice that Barbie doesn’t really do that. It’s more of a Ken thing. So maybe pick, like, a day where you don’t have any classes with a Barbie in your life. 

And it is worth a mention that the Kens’ bathroom may be missing a couple of…erm…items that you, uh, would expect to find in a bathroom? No, nothing important. Just, like, soap and stuff. But the Kens are above that anyway! So it’s totally cool.

Dear Howler, should I switch classes while I can? How do I know what’s a good fit for me? 

Barbie: Well, of course you have to try all of them! The reason I have a million jobs is because I suffer from chronic indecisiveness due to the omnipresent fear of the uncertain future, making it hard for me to make commitments to a single profession especially in today’s economy. But I would suggest that you first talk to your teachers, because every teacher teaches the same course a little bit differently and plays a huge part in your classroom experience!

Ken: Well, I never really had to worry about that because Barbie just scribbled on all the papers Principal Barbie gave me to scribble on. In fact, I don’t even know what classes I took. I just  showed up and thought about beach and Barbie and what Barbie wants to get for lunch today and if Barbie is talking to Ken and if Barbie will finally let me stay the night and Barbie and beach. 

You should ask Barbie. Did you know that she’s taken every single class in the course of studies? Actually, I’m pretty sure she’s been a teacher. Yeah, I remember Teacher Barbie and Principal Barbie and Underpaid and Overworked Union Rep Barbie, who showed up, like, a couple of beach ago. You should totally ask her.

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About the Contributors
Lucy Kim
Lucy Kim, Junk Editor
Lucy is tired. Lucy would like to go home. She was unfortunately given the ability to project the demons of her mind palace to the entire school. Lucy is taking bribes through Venmo @klucy243.
Madeleine Pham
Madeleine Pham, Graphic Editor
Madeleine Pham is the Graphics Editor of the Howler. She is a big green tea enthusiast and is an adamant chocolate hater (it’s the aftertaste and texture). If you ever find her, make sure to give her a book recommendation that she can add to her “To Be Read” spreadsheet. Fun Fact: She draws most of her graphics with her fingers.

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