Top four ways to avoid getting caught in the Sweep

Aishwarya Ramasubramanian, THO Editor

How far are you willing to go to avoid getting a detention? Begging your parents to sign you in at the attendance office? Forging your doctor’s signature? Not far enough. Read and learn, T-wolves—here are the top four ways to escape the deathly clutches of the tardy sweep.

Wear earplugs

Invest in a pair of industry-grade earplugs! If you can’t hear the dreadful tardy sweep music, then did it really even happen in the first place? Now you have an excusable excuse for being tardy—Out of sight, out of mind! Just remember to sprint for your life if you see a staff member with a bloodlust in their eyes for wandering, locked-out students.

Fake your death

If you’re too late to class and find yourself locked out, simply pretend to pass away. Clutch your heart as if you’re suffering from a violent attack, then fall to the floor, eyes rolling into your brain. As your body hits the floor with a loud thud, your teacher will have no choice but to investigate what happened to you. Your teachers are legally obligated to keep you alive, so they will naturally unlock the door, after which you can dash through and pretend as if nothing happened. Employ psychological manipulation techniques, such as gaslighting and vehement denial, to convince your teacher that they must be going crazy—you were there to begin with. 

Break into your classroom

First, invest in a large shovel from Home Depot. Then, in the dead of night, begin to construct a complex network of tunnels underneath Northwood by digging from the track to your classroom of choice. Once complete, you will have a direct yet discreet way to get to class once the doors lock. “Among Us” will never be more relevant once you begin to vent into your classrooms fashionably late. Your teacher will appreciate your ingenuity so much that they’ll even give you an A in the class! 

Get into a car crash

When you arrive at school in the morning, “accidentally” get off on the wrong side of the drop-off lane to increase your chances of getting pummelled by a vehicle. Just absolutely plowed over by a pick-up truck. Once you get run over by a car, they’ll send you to the nurse’s office where you’ll receive an ice pack for your pain and you can subtly inquire about an excused tardy pass. Yellow paper in hand and both of your tibias broken, you can make your way to class—albeit a little hurt, but at least you didn’t get a detention! Your physical safety comes second the moment the dulcet sounds of a tardy sweep consume the school speakers. Abraham Maslow was just wrong.