Top 10 hottest brand mascots


Isabella Torrales

PATRIOT PAGEANTRY: If there’s one thing America does right, it’s creating mascots for customers to drool over.

M&Ms stirred up controversy in January with a glow-down of their previously attractive brown and green female candy mascots, swapping their killer high heels for ugly old sneakers and pumps to fit the woke agenda.

Tucker Carlson, the former Fox News host who first brought this life-or-death matter to our attention, believes that anthropomorphic, talking candy characters shouldn’t be “deeply unappealing and totally androgynous until the moment when you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them.”

Especially since they’re marketed towards children, wanting to have a drink with them is totally appropriate and not at all creepy.

In the spirit of hyper-sexualizing animated mascots, here are ten current brand mascots that we are down to… spend some quality time with.

10. The Custom Ink Octopus
He has arms wide enough to hold the whole ocean and sky in his embrace. In fact, his arms are so strong that once he knows what he wants, he grips on and never lets go. In fact, once he knows what he wants, he marks it as his so that no beta males will even dare to touch his property. His property being t-shirts.

9. Mr. Peanut
They say that under his top hat, he holds the ultimate secret to becoming the hottest, fittest, most unquestionably American [eagle screech] brand mascot that anyone has ever set their eyes on—one that even Carlson would want to have a drink, no, multiple drinks with. The power of his opaque (and functionally useless) monocle, let’s-get-down-to-business gloves and Malfoy-esque cane combined exudes an aura of generational wealth and elevated tax brackets. His ability to provide any female with all of the lash extensions, botox procedures and whatever else they waste their money on nowadays—and admittedly, his to-kill-for hourglass figure—earn him his rightfully deserved place on this list.

8. Mr. Clean
Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t clean—just like any man shouldn’t. In fact, he hates cleaning so much that he’s never touched a dirty surface in his life. Instead, he started a conglomerate empire of servants to do the cleaning for him while he lives in his built-in gym— Have you seen those arms? His shiny head represents the bright future that lays ahead of any man who encourages housewives to do their job.

7. Colonel Sanders
He’s white, a man and old, already checking off nearly all of the boxes. His other redeeming qualities are that he served in the American military at 16 years old, the prime time for marriage—so he clearly knows to put his country above all. He then entrepreneur-ed the second largest restaurant chain in the world, proving that the American dream is achievable and that the lazy, broke, Starbucks-loving millennials are lazy. Wait, was that an eagle screech in the background?

6. Jack Box
His mysterious persona conceals all emotions. Perhaps he doesn’t feel “emotions” at all—after all, they’re only chemical imbalances in the brain that hinder your ability to be a true man. He’s a 9-5 salary worker that comes home to a white picket fence, a perfectly manicured lawn and dinner ready on the table. Look at his suit and tie—that is the posture of a man that forces his employees to work overtime and doesn’t provide maternity leave, opting instead to fire women, sending them back home to their rightful place in the kitchen.

5. The Most Interesting Man In The World
He catches fish with every line he throws. He woos princesses and charms bachelorettes. Most importantly, he drinks beer. His alpha male energy dominates all—even his own father. His wealth attracts an average of three women looking to dig into his gold—however, he doesn’t let the temptations of man lead him to befall into his own hubris. His eyes are set on one thing only—to become the greatest man that ever lived. And to drink beer.

4. The Michelin Tyre Man
Better call the Ghostbusters, because this marshmallow is out for some ladies. His body is a temple and his handles are for loving—after all, bodily beauty standards only apply to women and body positivity only to men. His blindingly untanned skin is enough to send any woman within a mile-radius into a lovestruck haze, which excuses his crimes of public nudity.

EDIT: The Michelin Tyre Man has been taken off the list due to his crimes of public nudity because we believe that children should NOT be exposed to the human body. This type of indecent behavior is not excusable in ANY masterpiece, and we will also be moving forward with our campaign to hammer every nude Greek and Roman statue into tiny pieces that we will throw into a bonfire in the name of protecting our children.

3. Samantha Samsung
Don’t let her cold, businesswoman-like appearance fool you—she’s just as naive and shallow as the next female. You could even consider her…artificial. She listens to your every request and serves her owner—sorry, husband. Just look at her work uniform and how it hugs every curve and dip on her body. She’s just asking for a man to take her under his wing and not have to work anymore.

2. Tony the Tiger
Look at his voluptuous chest, thicker-than-life biceps and his assertive alpha posture. He can support a family, no, three families—the ultimate sigma move is to start a family with a high-value woman, then leave her the minute you see a younger and more attractive one. He never sheds a single tear and maintains a zero-sugar, zero-glucose and zero-carb diet in order to maintain his muscles that establish his dominance in any room he walks into.

1. The Brawny Man
Is an explanation even needed? Americans love him and he loves America—this giant hunk of an American male ranked second place in Crestline’s Sexiest Male Brand Mascots survey. His biceps are bigger than a tree and his teeth are whiter than himself. He represents strength, he represents power—he stays hungry, he devours. His wife and children wait for him back home at his log cabin that he built himself and they sigh wistfully at the window waiting for the head of their house to come back from his mistress—cough—workplace. A model of the strong, hard-working alpha male.