IUSD approves new senioritis vaccine just in time for Prom


Neil Godse

VAXXING TO STOP SLACKING: New senioritis vaccine could prevent further disease transmission at Northwood.

Rhea Gupta, Viewpoint Editor

Newly released senioritis vaccine, Seniorizer, has been authorized for emergency use by the IUSD Cafeteria and Bathroom Administration on March 9. Already in rapid production, the vaccine aims to reduce senioritis cas-
es by 57%, hopefully leading to the lowest number of cases in Northwood history just in time for Prom.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, senioritis, virulent during spring, is a devastating illness characterized by a loss of motivation, decline in attendance and excessive wear of the same sweatpants
over an eight-day period. While there are no formally defined cures, many report a sudden disappearance of symptoms after graduation.

With the rise in senioritis cases nationwide, and with Northwood becoming a major epicenter for new cases daily, the necessity of preventative measures was met with the creation of Seniorizer by Timber Inc., the creators of
Northwood’s exclusive dating app. After a mere 407 months of trials and testing, the vaccine became the first IUSD CABA-approved senioritis vaccine, marketed to individuals 17 years of age and older.

“The CABA’s approval of Seniorizer is a major milestone in the battle against senioritis, especially with cases of the virus beginning to appear in an unprecedented demographic of juniors this year,” Timber Inc. CEO Seniorita Vaccina said. “While thousands of people have already safely received their first dose of Seniorizer, we recognize that some may still be apprehensive about potential side effects. To that, we would like to assure the public that the vaccine has a small 4% decrease in attendance, and an insignificant 11% failed graduation rate.”

Seniorizer utilizes a novel acceptance-letter editing technique. To trigger an immune response, Seniorizer inserts a program similar to Grammarly into cells, teaching them how to “get up and work,” providing vaccine patients with the motivation they lost years ago. After the two-week waiting period, patients receive their second dose, which rekindles their desire to attend their first and second-period classes.

Other reported side effects of the vaccine include fatigue, headache, chills and an uncontrollable impulse to demolish opponents in senior assassins.

“A vaccine against senioritis is truly a momentous occasion,” senior Leavin Skool said. “After receiving my second dose, I was finally able to walk into my first-period class without falling asleep! Now that this vaccine is
there, I hope current juniors won’t have to face senioritis to the same extreme we did.”

Timber Inc. expects Seniorizer to be approved for ages 14 and older later this month, hopefully preventing rampant procrastination of the infamous Woolf research paper until its due date.