Cornel(lia) or bust

Dear Ivy:

I’ve waited all my life for Cornellia, and I don’t understand why I have to wait longer. As a child, my parents always encouraged me to date her in the future. To them, she was the embodiment of happiness and success.

After all these years, I finally gathered up the courage to ask Cornellia out. I was almost certain she’d say yes: I’d written numerous love-professing essays and told her almost everything about myself (albeit with the minor help of my writing tutor). I got a 1590 on the Smooching Aptitude Test (SAT), the most popular relationship compatibility test, clearly proving I would be an amazing boyfriend. I even took classes from Elite Dating Prep… yeah. Not only that, but I demonstrated interest from the very beginning—I religiously interacted with all her posts on Instagram and even made the gruesome trip to visit her house.

She should have said yes. She was supposed to say yes. Instead, she said I have to wait three agonizing months until she reaches an ultimate decision. She needs “time” to think about it— what is there to think about? I’m perfect.

However, Calista Polyana Sloan, this cute girl who sits next to me in class, offered to pay me weekly Venmo deposits for four years, and even sent me an email about how much she likes me, but she’s definitely not on the same level as the other girl. What should I do? Should I go for someone else?


D. Furred

Dear D. Furred,

YTA, Calista is a W. Also, INFO: Did you really only ask Cornellia? That wasn’t a safe decision for you to make in the first place, your submission reeks of Nice Guy… You seem a little obsessed. Might I suggest seeing a therapist?

YOU might be the poison, Ivy