Below is a list of the most frequently asked questions about student life at Northwood. Both incoming and current students are highly recommended to look through it as the responses contain valuable insights offered by multiple generations of Northwood alumni. 

If you have a question not included in this list, remember that asking it will probably make you look weak in front of your peers and so it is best to keep it to yourself. 

• What is the optimal amount of time to spend in the bathroom without being suspicious? 

Unfortunately, the exact time varies based on the time of day, the attention span of the teacher and the dedication of the student.

For some teachers, spending more than 30 seconds in the bathroom will trigger a school-wide lockdown as FBI-sponsored manhunts seek to detain the delinquent that dared to waste valuable class time. For others, you could probably get away with driving back home, having lunch and driving back without so much as a word on your absence. 

Note that these expected times triple if it is a Monday morning and the teacher in question has yet to drink their coffee. 

• Are there any health benefits to eating at the lunch tables instead of the central quad?

Yes. Those who eat at the large lunch tables are said to spend so much time around trees that they themselves develop the ability to perform photosynthesis and create their own glucose, thus rendering cafeteria food useless. 

In contrast, those who eat in the central quad tend to develop sunburns due to their odd fascination with eating while being baked alive.

• Where should I go during tutorial to get the most amount of work done in a productive, quiet environment?

No Northwood student would ever ask this question, so no response is needed. 

• What do Northwood students actually like to call themselves?

If you ask this question to any Northwood student, they would definitely tell you that they’re a “T-Wolf through-and-through.” 

Yet, spend enough time with Northwood students and you’ll realize that this isn’t the case. Indeed, Northwood’s most carefully guarded secret is that students actually love calling themselves “Litty Timbies.” This is also why Northwood’s counseling center has renamed itself to “My Litty Timby.” 

It may seem odd to outsiders, but once you become a Litty Timby you’ll never want to go back. Also, bring this up to anyone and they will deny it.

• How do I balance needing enough sleep to live with my desire to flex my insomnia to my friends? 

As you progress through Northwood, you’ll quickly realize that sleep is merely a societal construct created by the ultra-wealthy to control the masses. Avoid it at all costs to prove that you are enlightened. 

Scrolling through TikTok is an acceptable alternative to sleep, as both require turning your brain off for hours on end. Regardless, it is customary to tell your peers you got “three hours of sleep last night” no matter how much sleep you actually got.

• How do I deal with the harsh reality that high school is probably the last time I will ever interact with most of my peers before we all leave, and venture through life creating our own paths independent of each other?

Jeez, finish your science homework first. Your concept map is due tomorrow.

• When is the best time to join a club I’m interested in, if I really want a board position by next year and am not actually interested in the club?

Northwood formally condemns such behavior. Obtaining board positions for the sole purpose of boosting one’s resume goes against the very purpose of clubs and ultimately prevents personal development. 

The best strategy is to overthrow the current president in your freshman year and establish yourself as “President / Leader / Founder / CEO / Almighty Overlord,” which looks much better for colleges and fulfills the true purpose of clubs—creating superiority complexes. Check out the Howler’s guide to overthrowing ASB elections for inspiration. 

• Why do so many people here seem to wear the exact same clothes every day, no matter the weather, month or occasion? 

Err, to be honest we’re still figuring that one out ourselves.

The most commonly accepted theory is that we’re living in a simulation. After all, a world where teachers have a better fashion sense than students has got to be faulty programming. 

• Why is it that I never see anybody using the elevators at school? 

Don’t be fooled: Although we have elevators here, they are rarely ever used by students. This is because in order to use one, it is required that you have a “parent’s note,” “elevator approval note,” “note of approval for elevator approval note” and “doctor’s signature on note of approval for elevator approval note.”

Rather, the elevators are mostly just status symbols to show off to schools that only have stairs.