A 6-step guide to overthrowing ASB elections

Chris Song, Staff Writer

Losing elections can be heartbreaking, especially by a vote count of 306 to 232. It can deprive one of happiness, peace of mind and most importantly, Twitter followers. But fear not: the election is not over as those evil journalists want you to believe. A dude named Donald did it for a Presidential Election, so why can’t you do the same in an ASB election? Inspired by his wits and greatness that he fully demonstrated in a 2-page memo, the steps below will ensure that justice is served for your feelings.


Step 1: Insurrection

Before any actual legal action is taken, you need some controversy. Salvage the rest of your Twitter following and organize a group of around 200 students to storm the Student Activity Center and demand a recount. Break a couple of windows, knock a couple of doors down—it’s all pretty simple.

Make sure to have a shirtless dude with a fur cap and bullhorns as your mob leader. If those are hard to find, you can always go with a wolf hat with paws for $10 on Amazon as a budget option. Don’t miss the podium or the Timby costume inside the SAC: they sell on Ebay for thousands, and that’s valuable campaign cash.


Step 2: Bribery

ASB officials are notoriously easy to bribe. You have a couple of currencies of your choice, ranging from fake attendance notes to get them out of class early, a school soap dispenser to fake the filming of a devious lick or even better, extra credit points. Bravo Bucks, Myers Bucks, you name it! These highly sought-after assets are the lynchpin for finding a couple of well-established officials that will guarantee the success of the steps below.


Step 3: Deception

A random old Chinese guy once said that all war is deception, and to the surprise of many, he was right.

No electoral official, no matter how corrupt they may be, will accept this attempt to restore justice in the electoral system. You must be willing to deceive to achieve the true goal, as the ends will justify the means. The cause must be dressed up as something to improve the quality of elections in their eyes. 

Sorry but not sorry, another ASB president will have to suffer. Find something to subvert their case. Were people using printed ballots as scratch paper in math classes? Did the arrangement of the ballots in the box represent something significant in a literal sense? Or were the ballots mistakenly burnt in the myriad of combustion experiment failures experienced around the school?


Step 4: Action

As soon as the election’s legitimacy gets on shaky ground, it is time to strike. Attack the election with overwhelming skepticism. If one election is to be recounted with suspicion of illegitimate votes, why not other ones? How do you guarantee that other ones were secure? What if the recycling team thought multiple vote boxes were meant to be thrown away? Did yet another teacher record a failure with their technologies? 


Step 5: Gaslighting

Howls from The Howler will ensue. This is a guarantee. How dare someone challenge the legitimacy of the election when it is run by the ASB?

Your answer is simple. “Why not?” And this is more than a fair point. Any objections can be answered with a simple “Wrong” in the most condescending manner possible, which is a secret tip from the aforementioned Donald.


Step 6: Victory

With the overwhelming leverage gained, you must demand the recount but with conditions. Since the moral high ground is in possession, there is not a ridiculous demand that can be countered by the ASB, as everyone is so dominated by your facts and logic. Start by eliminating the groups of greatest contention to the candidacy, including members of ASB and The Howler. Since your bribed ASB official will hand over some handy statistics, “randomly” pick some classes to exclude for voting. Make sure to either eliminate or change the votes of any votes that go against you, since any vote against you is necessarily illegitimate. All of this is for some sweet, sweet election security, and there’s really nothing wrong with some more of it.


Only through this process will justice be served. Feelings are the most important thing after all, and this exercise of democratic governance will ultimately lead to the promised land of a more prosperous school environment for not you, but everyone.