Valentine’s Day is soon approaching, and perhaps you could use some advice. Yes, you hopeless romantic. Here at The Howler, we not only support but nurture an environment for students to pursue true love. This new edition of The Good, Bad and Ugly will leave you consumed by a love so intense that Nicholas Sparks himself would have to dedicate his next novel to your relationship.

Dear Howler, I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. What should I do?
Good: Anna (“Frozen”): “Love is an open door, and there are so many doors for you to walk into! Be friendly and honest about your feelings by asking your friend to set you up on a blind date. Radiate your usual confidence and charm, and don’t forget to have a positive attitude, no matter what happens at first. Who knows, maybe you’ll fall in love at first sight?”
Bad: Katniss Everdeen (“The Hunger Games”): “How could you ask such a superficial question? No one has time for romance anyway, but if you’re that worried, just remember to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
Ugly: Kat Stratford (“10 Things I Hate About You”): “Have a misogynist jerk pay a deceiving screwboy a ham sandwich to take you out, find out through your worst enemy and then have him follow you at the local bookstore asking for the ‘Feminine Mystique.’”

Dear Howler, a friend invited me on a date with her boyfriend because she doesn’t want me to be alone on Valentine’s Day. This makes me the inevitable third wheel, so is it safe for me to go?
Good: Harry Potter (“Harry Potter”): “Strengthen your bond with your friend and possibly create a new level of friendship with her boyfriend. As long as it doesn’t bother anyone (including yourself), go right ahead! You don’t want to ponder the simplest of issues just because you think you’re a burden.”
Bad: Dwight Schrute (“The Office”): “Yes, proceed immediately. The more alliances you have, the safer you are.”
Ugly: Karen Smith (“Mean Girls”): “Being a third wheel is totally not fetch. You can stay with me and my cousin instead! It’s not like you’re the only one without a boyfriend. I technically don’t have a boyfriend either; my cousin just really likes me.

Dear Howler, what’s the best movie to watch for Valentine’s Day?
Good: Rapunzel (“Tangled”): “Just let time speak for itself! As you dim the lights and have candles to set the mood, the perfect movie will find itself on the screen by your partner’s suggestion, so there’s absolutely no need to worry. Don’t you just love love?”
Bad: Rachel Berry (“Glee”): “I watch the classic ‘West Side Story’ every Valentine’s Day. Tony’s death is indicative of every relationship I’ve been in. Natalie Wood is very talented. I should know, I’m very talented too.”
Ugly: Ron Swanson (“Parks and Recreation”): “Movies are merely the consumer’s submission to capitalism and

the government. I don’t like the government. Instead, do something useful with your time and indulge in a good old New York steak.”

Dear Howler, what do I do if I love my enemy? Will I have an enemies-to-lovers arc?
Good: Cody Martin (“The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”): “Academic rivals are your best chance at true love. Chances are, you’ll bond over a heated scientific debate on the dangers of artificial intelligence. Chess, as well, can also be an avenue for meeting your least expected star-crossed lover. Just look at Bailey and me!”
Bad: Squidward (“Spongebob”): “Actually, true love never sparks from a strained, negative relationship. Just when I thought kids couldn’t get any stupider.”
Ugly: Sersi (“Eternals”): “From personal experience, your love-interest-turned-enemy will fly into a fiery sun after having his little assistant stab you in the hip. Then, you’ll never see him again.”

Dear Howler, the girl I like doesn’t like me back. How do I make her like me back?

Good: Gabriella Montez (“High School Musical”): “Sometimes you might not even know that a girl likes you back. Don’t force anything on her, but try to hint at wanting to spend time with her. Plan what you’re going to say and be confident. This could be the start of something new.”
Bad: Spencer Reid (“Criminal Minds”): “There was a study done where calculations were performed on 18 different factors of attraction within the basis of geographic location and age, and it was found that a person’s description of a ‘perfect person’ actually described around 80,000 people that were close in proximity to them but didn’t know them personally. So basically, what I’m trying to say here is that you don’t have a chance.”
Ugly: Evan Hansen (“Dear Evan Hansen”): “The girl I liked didn’t even know I existed until I forced myself to get close to her. The way I got her to be close to me was definitely questionable, but the end justifies it. There will be a slim chance, but if you’re able to fabricate a traumatic event, she’ll fall in love with you. Did I say that out loud?”