Good gravy! An interview with a delicious turkey moments before their fowl future

Helia Degan and Jonathan Kang

This past Thanksgiving, millions of turkeys clucked in unison as they were prepared for Thanksgiving potlucks. The Howler scored an exclusive interview with one such turkey, Cluck Feathers, moments before his claim to fame.

The Howler: Can you tell us about yourself and your background?
Cluck Feathers: I’ve lived on a farm for about two years and graduated from the University of California Yummy Turkey with a major in Juicy Studies. Although I was more interested in egg-conomics, career prospects were low, so I decided to bring families together by being as tasty as possible. So exciting.

TH: How did you come to this choice? Were you forced into it?
CF: I was always going to get cooked—I essentially had no choice. However, after reading “Gobble’s Search for Meaning” by Cluck Frankl, I came to terms with my own mortality and even began to embrance it.
TH: Can you tell us more about what your job entails?
CF: Since being eaten is my life’s purpose, I actually try to make my body as tasty as possible by doing some vocal warm ups, gobble gobble gobble. The more I warm up my voice, the more my body tastes good, just like magic. Additionally, at turkey school, all turkeys are taught how to stay calm throughout the whole process, even when we’re supposed to get cooked—think of how the toys in Toy Story stay still. This ensures that our muscles fibers aren’t tensed up and tough once we finally end up on the kitchen table.

TH: What are you most excited for during the process of getting roasted?
CF: I’m excited to go in the oven because I saw my entire family and friend group enter it, and they looked delicious when they came out. I think it’ll be fun and relaxing, because I get to lie down on the big pan with so many delicious vegetables around me!

TH: Northwood students enjoy Thanksgiving break because it provides a brief respite after weeks of working away. When do you get a break from work?
CF: Well, I stay in the cool fridge and get to talk to Mr. Broccoli and Ms. Carrot, who are very nice folks, by the way. Once all is done, I’ll hopefully enjoy a bit of a more extended break in the pollo-y gates.

TH: What is your dream dressing while being eaten?
CF: Just last week I browsed some dressing stores and found that Ralph’s extra-large stuffing mix made my little legs pop. Unfortunately there weren’t any “going-to-be-eaten-soon” discounts.

TH: What‘s one last thing you would want to say before putting a smile on a family’s face during Thanksgiving dinner?
CF: Life is too short, so live it to the fullest, like I did. Run around the farms with your friends and family as much as you can until they come and put you in the fridge.

Following this interview, Feathers was masterfully roasted and prepared for dinner as he desired. You can purchase him and other delicious turkeys at your local supermarket for only $4.99.