Graduating With Success and Pride

Helia Degan, Staff Writer

Senior year got you lost and cranky? College apps stealing all your TikTok Time (trademark pending)? Here are a few tricks to graduating with straight As, 1000% guaranteed to earn you admission to the establishment* of your choice.

1) An apple a day keeps the bad grades away

Teachers are actually allergic to apples, studies have shown. Being the masochists they are (why else would they assign a HEL paper due the week before winter break?), teachers have adopted this symbol for their profession to fool you into thinking they have no weaknesses. Purchase some of Howler’s apple scented teacher repellent (patent pending) to spray around the 1100s before your next AP Government test and watch it evaporate before your eyes.

If that doesn’t work,** schedule a club meeting in a teacher’s room with you as the only club member. Lunch with a teacher will give you ample opportunity to learn about their personal life so you can guess their password on Aeries. This is not creepy or stalkery at all.

2) Never fear, Wikipedia is here!

Edit Wikipedia to match your own writing. If you can’t find the source you’re looking for to support your argumentative essay, edit the source yourself to match what you’re saying. It’s not plagiarism if you’re copying from yourself! If you’re worried about the Wikipedia team removing your edits, make a bot to continuously put them back. The worst that can happen is they will take the page down.

3) Make an A — literally

What was the point of two semesters in AP Computer Science if not to learn how to hack your teacher’s computer? This is a very good idea that will not at all get you suspended.***

4) Wear glasses

Fake thin-rimmed round glasses from Walmart, $10 bluelight glasses that turn your world to shades of yellow, prescription glasses that definitely aren’t strong enough after a year of online learning — you name it. Having a pair of spectacles on your nose immediately raises your IQ by 15 points, which teachers immediately recognize thanks to their special teacher-vision implants that allow them to see aptitude scores floating above your head. 



**it probably won’t

***you’re definitely getting suspended