Types of students in NHS lunch line

Annie Lee, Viewpoint Editor

We know them and love them; if you’ve been remotely near the excruciatingly long lunch lines lately, we can guarantee that you have met these people before.

1. The Special Student

For unknown reasons, this person gets to order lavish lunches from a secret menu. While you push along your tray of soggy grilled cheese, you’ll spot them with a porcelain platter of caviar sandwiches, creamy black truffle pasta and lobster macaroni and cheese topped with bread crumbs and 24-karat gold dust. 

2. The Confused Picky Eater

On the days they forget to pack lunch, they have no choice but to buy cafeteria food. Perplexed at how to line up, they cut the line by limboing under the crowd control barriers, but while they proved that they have a strong core, they also proved that they lack stealth and are sent back. 

Once they’ve figured out the proper way of entering the cafeteria, they slowly rummage through the remaining meals, bursting into tears at the sight of a sole cold ham and cheese sandwich. After finally exiting the cafeteria with something to eat, they’re greeted with empty tables and hit with the realization that the next period started 30 minutes ago.

3. The Greedy &  Ejected Impostor

This person has been camping at the front of the line since the start of school to ensure a good spot, realizing the incontrovertible truth that getting their food a few minutes earlier than others is more important than class. After shaking and weighing each box of pizza, they select what they’ve deduced to be the three largest slices and shove them into one box. 

Still famished even after eating three pizzas, they dash to the drama classroom to call an emergency meeting, planning to fabricate an identity to bypass the one free meal rule. 

They borrow makeup and clothes and confidently stride into the cafeteria, unaware that their makeover made them look more like a dangerous intruder than another student. Instead of getting more food, they are instead taken into custody by the police and thrown into the lava pit. Better luck next time!

4. The Godly Multitasker

If you’ve ever wondered where your brain cells went, this person stole them. In line, you’ll see them finish schoolwork in just 3.141592 zeptoseconds before working on their outside jobs: executive Assistant at Google and Director of Apple. 

Their biggest fear is spending a zeptosecond not doing anything “useful.” To adapt, they’ve evolved an extra brain for storing stolen brain cells, four extra hands to grab food while typing up reports and three more pairs of eyes to read computer screens while scanning for available lunch tables. Be sure to be at least 50 feet away from their vicinity, or else they might eat your remaining brain cell for lunch.