Northwood officially bans senior class of 2021

Kathy Chun, THO Editor-in-Chief

Northwood made the decision to implement a permanent policy to replace its senior class with senior citizens on Feb. 31 after public outrage over the school’s decades-old ageist behavior.

The Irvine community called for change after a local university published advanced statistical analysis on Northwood’s discriminatory policies, criticizing the school for only enrolling students of ages 14-18 and thus neglecting ages 0-14 and 18+. Upon approval of the change, administration immediately expelled the entirety of Northwood’s Class of 2021 and adopted Title XCIX, a For-Discrimination statement that prohibits the enrollment of any student between the ages of 14-18 into the senior class.

“Well, it’s about time. The young seniors were always slacking off and missing school, anyway,” president of the Northwood Seniors Against Seniors Coalition Weeluvboo Mers said. “Did you know that two halves of the class took turns coming to school this year? They don’t take education seriously.”

A print copy of the new policy is now on display at the front office in size 70 font for readability, while further changes are being pushed at an executive level. During a committee meeting scheduled after the seniors’ daily nap time for clarity in decision-making, school officials unanimously voted to reallocate the Northwood Emergency Budget for Disaster Relief towards replacing the carpet in classrooms with hardwood floors most suitable for tennis-ball walkers.

Northwood teachers were heard publicly celebrating the policy on campus and were reportedly enthusiastic to avoid handling senioritis, eager to treat arthritis instead.

All administrators and staff on campus have signed a legally-binding contract confirming their agreement to changes in their salary and will now accept payment in peppermints and Werther’s Original caramels. Parent-teacher conferences have also been modified into child-teacher meetings, and Northwood administrators plan to meet with their new seniors’ children to discuss disciplinary action against violence during Bingo sessions.

“I can’t really blame Northwood for the change, to be honest with you,” ex-senior Yung Pursen said. “Sure, we might not be getting a high school diploma right now, but it’ll be our turn to be seniors again if we just wait 50 years.”