SATIRE

Northwood senior Lee King Secrets was found dead just outside his home on Jan. 26 during the first round of Northwood High School’s annual game of Senior Assassins.

Secrets was discovered lying in a pool of water surrounded by 23 popped water balloons in what authorities have called a “massive overkill.” Suspects were seen darting away from the premises when the police arrived, leaving no evidence aside from a trail of no-name college admission essays. Secrets’s neighbor, sophomore Snitchelin Star, claimed that he’d heard screams and rushed to the scene of the crime.

“I know Lee, and I know the exact frequency, decibel and tone of his scream,” Star said. “I saw someone with what looked like a Northwood logo on the back of one of their shirts running off. We know the assailant is from one of the 34855 organizations and clubs on campus.”

Officials have stated that Secrets’s murder was likely a retaliation to his exposé on the popular anonymous student voice Instagram account, @twolfconfessions24. In it, Secrets released internal documents of senior game strategies and the names of a secret society of students on campus caught accepting bribes.

Having found reports of seniors bribing underclassmen with Absolute Absolutions and bathroom passes carefully drafted in his Notes app, authorities assert that Secrets was on the verge of disclosing even more information before he was killed. Secrets’s close friend and junior Sose Adheesgone claims to have been a witness to these events.

“I was taking my daily nature walk during class when I saw this kid talking to a senior in the 1200s bathroom,” Adheesgone said. “I’m not 100% sure what they were talking about, but there was a trade-off of a pink sheet and they both seemed pretty happy about it. ”

In Secrets’ original exposé, he alleged that the government, the Essociated Studious Party, was providing participants with their target’s lunch pin numbers that could be reversed, multiplied by the factorial of four and differentiated thrice using a specific substitution cipher to find points of latitude and longitude that would enable participants to track the address of their assigned target. Secrets also accused the ESP of turning a blind eye to a series of other recent murders in order to boost their own chances of winning. Friends of Secrets declare his cause noble.

“Sometimes, I can still hear him complaining about F=ma in AP Physics,” Adheesgone said. “It’s like he’s still here, especially when I hallucinate the teacher calling his name in class and him answering -17 so confidently every time. It’s soul crushingly devastating and I will find out who committed this heinous act.”

There are currently no active efforts being made to pursue the offenders. ESP members declined to comment when asked for their reasoning, and from any future interviews. Participating seniors are warned to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity, and to be cautious of all students regardless of grade level.

“It’s every man for themselves now,” gamemaker Will Wynn said. “Watch your back and never let anyone know where you are. Leave no trace at any location you’ve been.”

*Northwood High School disavows all association with Senior Assassins.