After an exhilarating round of judging, we have finally arrived at a consensus for a six-way tie for last place in the ranking of NFL team names:
27. Kansas City Chiefs
Put a finger down if you didn’t know that Kansas City isn’t even in Kansas, then point your third one at whoever decided to
make American geography more complicated than it already was. Therefore, the Chiefs already lose points for intentionally misleading the entirety of the United States. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the blatant cultural appropriation is so 20th century.
We would formally suggest that they rename themselves to be the Swifties at this point. Of course, the Chiefs definitely get bonus
points because one of their best players is Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. As all the dads, Brads, and Chads out there claim, if they would show Swift less in the NFL broadcasts, football wouldn’t be ruined.
27. Baltimore Ravens
When you name your team the Ravens, you gain the burden of living up to the Ravenclaws of Harry Potter. Alas, the Baltimore Ravens are barely just Ravenclaw wannabes because they don’t have the intellect to not throw the football at a guy covered by three opposing players.
27. Detroit Lions
Lions are often considered to be a symbol of bravery and glory, but I guess the creator of the name was utilizing situational irony because they have neither. How is it mathematically possible to never win a Super Bowl in—counting on my fingers and running out of fingers to count—95 years?
From a literary standpoint, there’s frankly nothing really special about the name anyway. There’s just no ring to it (literally).
27. San Francisco 49ers
Zero points for creativity. Zero points for historical accuracy. Seriously? Seven squared? Maybe they decided on a num ber for their mascot because all of the other animals were taken, but if you can’t be witty enough to try to tie an original animal
as your mascot, at least review third grade social studies before naming your team after The California Gold Rush in San Francisco, which actually started in 1848, not 49 (according to sources, and such—Wikipedia).
The founders of this team really should check out Heimler’s History on YouTube.
27. LA Chargers
Wait, so do they mean a Tesla charger or a phone charger, or perhaps a cavalry horse trained for battle? It isn’t clear. Either way,
they should relocate themselves as the Silicon Valley Chargers, where all the major technological powerhouses are located. The relocation would also really help with their team branding too—everyone knows that the first Los Angeles NFL team is the Rams. With this heartfelt and accredited PR advice to the marketing team, I genuinely, for the sake of local pride, hope we’ll start seeing better stats next season.
27. New York Giants
It’s really like they set out on a mission to make all the names depressingly ironic, then laugh as the teams fail to live up to their names. At first glance, the promising title as the “Giants” makes it seem as if this team would undoubtedly champion all
other football teams. But with 11 losses in just this season alone, the Giants are dead last in NFL team statistics at 11.8 points per game—so far below the league average that they’re waving hi to the Titanic. I guess it should be expected knowing that even this sea-son is considered to be their best.
