The Irvine Police Department has confirmed that the Queen of Christmas, crowned in honor of her contributions to humankind, has begun her annual defrosting after an influx of tips and reported sightings.
The investigation looked into multiple ominous signs, which included Santa hats being located in suspiciously sparkly puddles and reports of the “All I Want For Christmas Is You” chorus echoing in the wind. Students have allegedly come face to face with a dark, unknown figure estimated at about 5 feet 8 inches in the 1200s stairwell, who vanished before the sighters could speed-dial TMZ.
“I saw her face in a bagel,” self-proclaimed Carey connoisseur senior Issa Wrap said. “The silhouette of her bedazzled red suit is impossible to miss. I was going through emotions.”
Some theorists claim that the sightings are nothing but an ambitious publicity campaign meant to maximize streams of her 1994 classic in the upcoming holiday season. Others believe that the ghost of 1994 Carey has come to give Irvine an early Christmas.
The typical Halloween-season sightings have been unusually missing from IPD’s tipline. The IPD noted the absence of were-coyotes and zombie boba shop employees this October in their press conference regarding the investigation.
“We followed a tip the other day of ghouls moaning and groaning, but when we arrived there was nothing to be heard,” police officer Al Waysby-Maby said. “Besides a faint whistle note carried by the breeze. Whoever that was has a great set of pipes.”
IPD recommends that citizens protect themselves from potential danger by keeping “Monster Mash” in their heads at all times and to avoid Hallmark at all costs. Experts report that, if you can hear the sound of children’s laughter filling the air, it’s already too late. Keep yourself and your Spotify Wrapped safe.
