A “design flaw” by school architects (or perhaps a sinister plan to promote T-wolf bonding through shared bathroom experiences) is causing girls’ bathroom stall doors to wear out faster than students can ask to go to the bathroom. Locks are giving out before anyone even has time to unzip.
Any semblance of privacy is no longer guaranteed, and desperate times call for desperate measures. Read on if you ever find yourself awkwardly crouched in a bathroom, about to explode and implode, needing a way to NOT flash everyone and their mother while you do your business.
1. Bee-Hold the solution
The Northwood bees are by far your best bet for a sticky yet effective solution. Insert a microchip into the next bee that you encounter (hint: look near the trash cans) to track the insect back to its original hive (hint: may or may not be in the trash cans).
Then, acquire a protective suit and carefully extract honey from the depths of the hive. Honey is the perfect sticky substance that will hold together the lock and door of a bathroom stall, but only for a limited amount of time.
2. “Bathroom Door Origami”
Allow us to enlighten you, young students, in the ways of “Bathroom Door Origami” ©™®. The first step is finding an unsuspecting bathroom door. Then, with the finesse of a ninja, arrange them strategically against the dysfunctional stall door, with one on each side.
The shattered stall door, once a representation of weakness, is now a symbol of resourcefulness as the unbreakable trust displayed by several restroom doors lean on each other to make a point about the tenacity of a student’s spirit.
3. Mucus as slime
AP Chemistry geniuses offer a last-ditch solution by blending academic prowess and alchemy. Grab a bag of mucus from the walls of the boys bathroom (composition unknown, may or may not cause severe allergic reactions, keep EpiPen on hand). Mix it in a cauldron with a number of substances that would make the periodic table jealous. Fluff up the resulting slime like it’s 2016 all over again. Armed with your mucus-infused, chemically loaded slime, approach the wounded stall door. Then spread the slime evenly, making sure that no crack or crevice is left untouched. The bathroom stall door is no longer broken: it’s reborn.
4. Summon a supernatural deity
If you are absolutely and positively sure you can’t get your stall door to close, as in you have tried all of the methods above, recited the alma mater and the pledge of allegiance three times and called your mother, it’s time to call upon the bathroom gods. First, shut off the lights to set the ideal pitch black ambience for a summoning. Second, carefully place disintegrating toilet paper rolls in a circle directly in front of your door, similar to how those in a cult would summon their deities with a circle of candles. Be careful, they may fall apart atom by atom the moment you touch them.
Sacrifice one clean toilet paper roll of a superior brand by placing it in the center of the circle to appease the bathroom gods. No one would dare violate your privacy by entering the bathroom because they simply would not risk aggravating those who dictate your bathroom future at Northwood.
DISCLAIMER: The Northwood Howler is not liable for any bodily harm or destruction of property that may occur as a result of its publication.
