Asphalt-melting summer temperatures and a Category 4 hurricane are only the first and mildest of the wacky weather events predicted to happen over this school year.
Plan ahead for every possible crazy climate condition and protect yourself from being caught lacking as the heavens open up. We’re frantically shaking our eight-balls and redoing our tarot card readings to bring you the most accurate weather forecast possible.
October: With a sudden dry spell hitting Irvine, expect to see nothing but dead leaves and brown hills.
Additionally, Irvine’s usual fall temperatures will remain the same at around 110 degrees Fahrenheit. As such, expect the color of the sky to match the pumpkins this October as SoCal burns like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in 1911. Students are advised to wear masks and avoid inhaling too thoughtlessly.
November: Winter comes early this year as another round of graupel, or slushy hail, is expected to cover Northwood this Thanksgiving season.
Two instances of mildly more exciting rain in the space of one year has caused meteorologists to grow more and more certain by the day that hail is now a permanent part of the local climate.
Students are encouraged to bring umbrellas forged from chromium-vanadium alloy in order to protect themselves from being pelted with frozen water.
December/January: For the first time since the saber tooth tigers were roaming Alta California, SoCal is going to experience a White Christmas!
The catch? The Santa Ana Winds have kicked up a massive sandstorm from the inland deserts, meaning that our cold front is going to look more like a coarse front.
Expect to see sand shovels and sandplows selling out like hotcakes at Home Depot as well as sandmen and sandball fights at Huntington Beach. Make sure to catch up with classic films such as “The Sand-ta Clause’’ and “Die Rough” this holiday season.
February: There goes the hurricane, and here comes the tornado! Local news organizations have calculated using the changes in the tides and seagull migration patterns that a tornado will form somewhere over San Bernardino, with winds reaching 400 mph.
By the time it meanders down to Northwood, those winds are expected to reach a crop-destroying, livestock-wrenching 15 mph.
Students are encouraged to dig their own tornado shelters DIY-style to hunker down as the whirling winds tear apart our cookie-cutter condos from their foundations.
March: A particularly potent wet season will yield a super bloom right here at our own school. However, this is no ordinary bloom, as we foresee that Northwood will be invaded by clovers throughout the month of March.
Expect clovers to creep over all of the prime lunchtime seating spots such as the planter around The Oak. Just be careful not to bring clovers into classrooms; Teachers will pull all of their hair out trying to clean them up.
April: Exceedingly dry climate conditions combined with a volcanic lava flow in the San Joaquin Hills are expected to cause a wildfire of Biblical proportions. Expect to see most of the Western Seaboard up in flames like a new matchbox thrown into a bonfire.
Theoretical physicists have also speculated that the fire may cause full atmospheric combustion, annihilating all of the nitrogen in the atmosphere. Shelter yourself from the undiscriminating blaze!
