Student unions representing Northwood’s students began their strikes Wednesday, demanding fair treatment and better compensation. The strikes will last until a 25% increase in student wages, currently $0, is implemented, among other demands. Northwood’s administration has declined requests for comment.
“It’s about time to do away with the idea that grades are a form of payment for our hard work,” student body representative senior Yoony Onrep said. “I can’t feed my family with As.”
In addition to concerns over nonexistent wages, March for Our Physical Bodily Well-Being, the union of marching band students, have called into question health care coverages as only ice packs are issued at the health office for every ailment from a bee sting to full body dismemberment. The band percussion line crashed their cymbals at random intervals every hour as they chanted “Give us Advil” while students picketed around the Oak.
MOPBW denied responsibility for any ruptured eardrums.
Other student groups have joined in the student uprisings, including The Howler staff, who are striking to ensure compensation for the emotional damage caused by having to ask strangers if they want a newspaper on distribution day. (This article is being written from a Nintendo Switch in a boba shop. But we still want to keep newspaper adviser Marina Alburger’s lights on, so we’ll give you one last issue, I guess.)
“We’re being forced to ask high school kids to read,” Staff Writor En Trevert said. “It’s like tossing a wasp nest at a ceiling fan. These people don’t want to read. Talk about a hostile work environment.”
ASB has been called in to support the two sides in returning to the table for talks. Insiders reported conflicts between the unions and school administration on issues such as proper access to bathrooms, overtime wages for extracurriculars and insurance coverages on chiropractors due to the lack of lockers on campus.
Timby, Northwood’s wolfy mascot, has caused suspicions of possible scabs hiding among students.
Last week, students reported sightings of Instrumental Music Director Whitney Tavlarides training a single student, whose identity is unknown, how to practice proper breathing techniques through a fursuit.
