Timber, a newly released dating app exclusive to Northwood, was unveiled on Feb. 1 with rave reviews. The app seeks to unite accomplished T-wolves on their journey to true love through the rose-tinted glass of their smartphones.

Created by a select group of well-versed love experts from Portola High School, the developers of Integral, Timber allows Northwood students to find a romantic partner not by out-dated metrics such as compatibility, shared values or similar life goals, but through the only thing that truly matters: GPA.

“I can finally find someone who has a 10.6 GPA, just like I’ve always dreamed of,” senior Lowne Leperson said in a review. “Timber allows me to eliminate any suitors who took fewer than six AP classes in their freshman year.” 

Timber’s exclusive parent portal allows parents to control their student’s dating profile. Parents can set filters such as “non-smoker,” “aced Kumon courses,” and “Ivy-Bound M.D./PhD aspirant” to maximize their chances of finding that parent-approved soulmate for their child.

“Thanks to Timber, my relationship with my child has improved immensely,” Proactive Parent of Noaca Demics said. “Although I used to be adamant that they don’t date until marriage, I now believe that they can date after graduate school.”

The app sends real-time alert notifications to lonely prospects near one another, providing conversation starters catered to each individual, ensuring that users will never be rizz-less again. These lines include, but are not limited to:

“I just finished studying all the numbers in my linear algebra textbook… I think it’s incomplete because it doesn’t have yours”

“Are you going to commit to UCI? Because I only see you and I.”

“Even if there wasn’t a gravitational force, I’d still be attracted to you”

Timber even times your presence in the school cafeteria so perfectly such that you and your soulmate *accidentally* reach for the last yogurt parfait and touch hands at the same time!

With its exclusive premium features, which is available for a mere $35 per day, Timber can craft a superior resume with buzzwords like delegated, coordinated, executed, amplified, crafted and more (no ChatGTP account required)! Without premium, users are subjected to a low-ad rate of one club flyer per day, however, Timber premium generously offers a no-ad version.