Winter has come again, and along with it, a flurry of new illnesses. (Nevermind that Thanksgiving has yet to come and go.) Do you feel a tickle in your nose? A scratchiness scritching up your throat? A fat glob of phlegm hacking up your lungs? If the answer is yes, you’ve come to the right place to learn how to morally justify arriving at school with the sneezy heebie-jeebies.

5. You don’t want to miss any important lessons or tests.

The pain of missing a single day of math class and then coming back only to find yourself somehow dozens of chapters behind is a familiar sensation. None of us want to lose any precious class time, especially with the relentless wave of tests and quizzes, even when it’s only mid-semester. 

4. You want to contribute to your music classes.

Northwood is known for its plentiful instrumental music opportunities (shout-out to 2022 California Teacher of the Year Ben Case) and you may very well be part of the 800 participants. With a modern technique of the vocal arts that is often referred to as “coughing,” and a new utilization of the sinuses called “sneezing,” you can add an invaluable percussive sound element to any ensemble.

3. You’re making an argument against anti-vaxxers.

We’re always encouraged to use primary sources over secondary sources, so this is the perfect chance to create your own. Starting your own little plague will certainly demonstrate the dangers of airborne disease more than any sort of scientific research. 

2. You’re using this as an opportunity to apply relevant class material.

You’ve just learned about the Mongols’ conquests in Eurasia, and in particular, their methods of biological warfare by launching bubonic plague infected corpses over enemy walls. Finding corpses and catapults might be a tad impractical in this time period, but it’s really the thought that counts. Simply watch as your own sickness propagates through your peers and soon one-third of Northwood students will be out, just like the population of Europe in the 14th century.

1. You’re making yourself a threat.

Are you having a hard time convincing a teacher to round up an 81.9 to an A? Do you need a club board position without the use of nepotism? Are you trying to get a last copy of the coveted The Howler print issue? Let out a little “hem, hem” à la Delores Umbrigde and you’ll surely get your way. Crowds will bow at your feet, part in your wake and obey your every command as they shiver in fear of becoming a recipient of a career-ending cold. 

Howler disclaimer: Actually, please don’t come to school when you’re sick.