Matsuda’s IQ raising

Zubin Kumar, Staff Writer

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With finals around the corner, sometimes studying is simply not enough to get the scores you need. Luckily, a recent scientific breakthrough from Dr. Phil Dr. Matsuda can help to jack your brain to be better than Stephen Hawking’s.

“I’ve tried all the studying methods, from chewing horrible flavors of gum to listening to animal calls late at night,” junior Sreekar Kasturi said. “I’ve even slept on my textbook at night so that information diffuses through osmosis to no apparent avail. But no amount of omega-3 gummy bears can change the fact that I will never be able to solve my calculus problems.”

The answer is clear: Studiemoar is here. 

Matsuda claims she has cultivated a new berry strain that can triple IQ instantly. This berry, known as Studiemoar, could also potentially cure cancer, a claim that has yet to be evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

“I started feeding this berry to some of my students and their brains have miraculously developed,” says Matsuda. “It’s amazing how their subpar testing abilities have now become somewhat acceptable. The improvement is phenomenal.”

The recent discovery of this berry has proven to be timely, as students scramble to increase their scores without putting in time and effort towards studying.

But what is the secret behind the miraculous ability of this berry? The answer lies in near-deadly concentrations of caffeine, glucose and corn syrup, each at concentrations of around 100,000 milligrams per ounce. In other words, approximately the amount of daily consumption for your average student (friendly FDA reminder: we know how much coffee you drink and it needs to stop). These concentrations, combined with high levels of stress and desperation, make for exponential academic improvement upon consumption. 

While the dangers of the berry remain unknown, risking one’s health, lifespan and sanity is a small price to pay for the long-term benefits of increasing your grade by a percentage or two. And instead of preparing beforehand, the life of cramming and desperate options are the way to go. Because why work hard and study more when you can just eat Studiemoar?