Ways to avoid human contact

Victora Quin and Sumedh Sarwate

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Are you an introvert? Or someone who’s looking for some peace and quiet? Or are you perhaps just some sad little lad with no aspirations in life who has given up on attempting to have a social life and would prefer to be miserable and alone for the rest of your life? Then this is the article for you! Our careful research has isolated these effective methods as the top seven ways to avoid human contact in any given social situation.

 

  1. Be a junior at Northwood High School. Alas, I know the feeling too well. 
  2. Read The Howler! Once somebody sees you with a copy of one of those bad boys, nobody will want to hang out around you. After all, there’s a pretty big push towards avoiding fake news nowadays.
  3. Fall into a depressive state! If you’re one of those people who craves alone time but always finds yourself in the company of others, you’re in luck! As soon as you experience the magic of crippling depression, you’ll close yourself off from the world so well that nobody will be able to find you, even if they tried! 
  4. Sleep, all the time! You don’t have to interact with people when you sleep. And the great thing about this one is, it doesn’t require any special tools to complete! Just knock yourself around a bit with a good, sturdy frying pan (which you can find in just about any kitchen!) and you’ll be in a deep coma in no time!
  5. Consume the state of Idaho. That way, you will no longer have to interact with anyone from Idaho.  
  6. Do not do yoga. I don’t think this one needs explanation.
  7. Eat bees! In public! People generally choose not to associate with people who consume large quantities of beneficial pollinators, so you will become a shunned outcast all while degrading the local environment. That’s a win-win in my book!