Dear my favorite Northwood counselor,

It’s just so nice to be back at Northwood again for another school year! There’s nothing quite like slamming into freshmen during passing periods with their faces buried in the online map. Despite the number of bruises I’ve already received, I still have hope that this year is going to be awesome.

I know I’ve sent you a few emails over the summer about letters of recommendations and reminding you of what teacher I really wanted for this year, but I just have one more little issue. (Okay, but in MY opinion, 13 emails isn’t really THAT much… like helping me is a part of your job, right?)

My class schedule is an absolute nightmare! Have you seen it? The conditions that I’m enduring right now are almost inhumane.

My first period English classroom is on the SECOND floor! How am I supposed to make it to class on time if I have to trek up to my classroom at 8:25 a.m. in the morning?? By the time I get to class, I’m literally dripping in sweat and it makes me so self-conscious that I might smell bad…

My second period math class is facing SOUTH. I’ve recently been reading a lot of wellness magazines, and I learned about something called feng shui, an ancient Chinese practice of positioning furniture in certain ways to create balance in the natural world. It’s super deep stuff. And I gotta be honest, there’s something so unnatural and disturbing about a south-facing classroom. It just feels like the flow of energy is not passing through correctly and I just can’t do math in this environment! Plus, all my friends have a different teacher. I heard that class has good feng shui, so can you move me there?

My AP Environmental Science class is too cold. Last Tuesday, I literally wore a puffer coat to class. So much for global warming. Isn’t the temperature supposed to be hot?

Okay, here’s a big one. My fourth period history class is literally towards the back of the school. By the time I get through the lunchtime stampede (aka the lunch line), the only food options left are the slices of pizza that slid out of the little, white cardboard boxes. Think of the number of people who touched that slice… yuck. Can you move me to a class that’s like, right in front of the lunch line? I would literally do anything for that. I’ll even bring you a slice of pizza… I can’t promise that it hasn’t been touched by at least 40 high school teenagers though.

Also, my Spanish class is terrible. The class is really warm and dim, so I end up falling asleep after eating a big lunch. The classroom is literally an ideal napping environment, but the teacher keeps getting mad when I start snoring. She says she is going to have to call my parents if I fall asleep again. Isn’t that so unfair? I mean, teachers are supposed to care about our well-being right? I need my afternoon snooze to perform my best academically.

So Miss Counselor, please help me. My class schedule is just… it needs to be changed. ASAP. Please. I’m BEGGING you. I know the last day to change my classes was like, three weeks ago, but it’s just a couple classes. Pretty, pretty please? I’m sure it won’t take that long to redo my whole schedule. And if anyone has some conflicts with mine, well, you know what to do.

Sincerely,
Your favorite student

P.S. Could you also write at least 6 pages for my letter of recommendation? I didn’t sign my FERPA waiver! 😉