How to Celebrate National Pet Month
EARNING YOUR DOG’S LOVE: Everybody knows that the fastest way to a dog’s heart is through food. Not many know that they love to dress up as chefs as well.
May 28, 2022
If “The Secret Life of Pets” has taught humans anything, it’s that our pets know (and think) much more than we’ve ever expected. This May, take one of The Howler’s carefully-researched suggestions to celebrate National Pet Month with your furry friends.
- Let your dog take you for a walk.
The key to a healthy relationship is a balance of power. Tie one end of the leash to your dog’s front paw and let your companion lead you throughout the neighborhood. Be prepared to stop by four fire hydrants and three squirrel-inhabited trees along the way.
- Buy your songbird a microphone.
Help save your bluebird’s delicate vocal chords, and set up an amplifying microphone for her daily show. Bonus points if you can gather an audience size greater than one.
- Send in a job application on your pet’s behalf.
If human-made Puppuccinos are a hit, imagine the untapped culinary genius that lies dormant within four-month Golden Retrievers. Whipped cream + a chocolate allergy + only 1/5 our number of taste buds = an interesting drinks menu.
- Hire your cat as a security guard.
If you can count on any family member to always stay home, it’s Whiskers. But a fair warning: there are no guarantees she’ll stay awake while your house is being robbed.
And remember, she demands payment in the form of sushi.
- Say “We’re going to the vet!” and then take your dog to the park.
After years of being tricked by your cunning deceit, he’ll never expect you to do the opposite.
- Buy another back-up goldfish with (coincidentally) the same name as your family’s 9-year-old goldfish.
Fun fact: Goldfish have an average lifespan of 10 years, and children have an average goldfish-mourning-tantrum of two hours.
- Paint every room in your house white, and let your chameleon rest.
Save your pet chameleon the trouble of scavenging through its color palettes for the perfect camouflaging shade. After all, minimalism is in.
- Help your turtle get out of its shell.
Warning: May require a clamp, power tools, and an endless supply of confidence-boosting compliments.
