May 1. As the date approaches, Northwood seniors are frantically trying to decide between their options for college education. To all seniors, what you do now will have significant influence over the rest of your future, and a lot of it starts with the major you choose. Your indecision is understandable. Although I can’t help you pick which path is best, I can tell you what to avoid, in order of uselessness.

5. Advertising. AKA The Howler’s (second) favorite thing to do. I can promise that The Howler will always out-compete you, so why bother? We have a decade’s worth of experience, reliable customers and no hobbies, guaranteeing us the time to stuff our newspapers with flyers. Check out The Howler (thehowleronline.org) for some examples of our advertisement style, where you can also read some of our monthly paper issues and our THO-exclusive articles, listen to podcasts and more. I especially recommend the articles “Out of the Garden and into Your Mouth: Nearby Irvine Certified Farmers’ Markets” and “To my Dearest COVID-19: An Anniversary Letter” by yours truly.

4. Journalism. You’re still reading, aren’t you? That says enough about the journalistic skills of someone who hasn’t even entered college yet. No need to waste thousands of dollars on this—just swipe through our Instagram stories (@nhs.howler) for a crash course on journalism, complete with bonus tips on emoji use and font selection. If this writing sounds awfully repetitive with what was written under the “Advertising” section…it’s a journalistic choice.

3. International Relations. If your relationship with someone has become international, it’s too late for you already. Long distance is always hard, so this major will require extra time, devotion and patience. Maybe you’d better take the prerequisite chemistry major first so you can cultivate that spark with your special someone again.

2. Business. Gaslight your way into gatekeeping colleges from your money by boycotting higher education altogether. Let’s get down to business—the smartest business decision you can make is one that requires you to understand that the real businesses exploiting you are the colleges tempting you with this major. If you’re your own (girl)boss you’ll always be wealthy—right? 

1. Computer science. Going green is the future, and a reversion back to an agrarian society is rapidly approaching. The arguments for doing so are convincing—the solution to global warming is to just get rid of things that pollute! In the new world approaching us, computers will be an antique of the past. Comp sci? More like Completely Omniscient Mind-controlling Potatoes Swiftly Crush Intellectuals.