It’s finally time to start pulling out those Macy’s gift cards and some wrapping paper! Mother’s day is right around the corner, and instead of scrambling to fashion a last minute DIY gift using “it’s handmade with love” as your excuse, try this specially designed letter-style guide. Once your mom gets a read of this, the impeccable logic will instantly leave her a changed woman. I promise, she will be more grateful for us than any Louis Vuitton purse when you guys finally stop arguing over what time you sleep at. 

1. Pass the Takis, please – Dear mom, I appreciate your concern for my health and cholesterol, but I’ve really had enough cut up apples for a lifetime. Trust me. If you really want to talk to me, it’d be immensely helpful to have some Ta(l)kis with you. In fact, we can even set up Walkie-Takis. You Walk around my room trying to apologize, I eat the Takis.

2. Write checks, not check grades – This one will be a bit controversial. I know it sounds bad, but hear me out: The more you start investing into my savings account now, the more interest we’ll make. It’s Principal * Rate * Time. Do you want me to be drowning in student loans forever? See, aren’t you proud of me? Grades aren’t that big of a deal, I mean look, I learned something in Math I after all. 

3. Let’s not curfew, let’s cur-more – You know what they say, “more is always more.” More hours is more time for me to be productive, to get out in the world, learn new things and become an adult. And this way, you won’t need to call me six times to remind me to get home on time, because there will be no “on time.” Just a lot of off time for me. More really is more. I see why adults like money now. 

4. Clean room is a middle school thing – I have a better idea. Instead of always worrying about how clean my room is, can we talk about how clean the fit is? Like this style didn’t happen overnight. If I had been spending all my time throwing away empty water bottles and picking up my clothes off the floor, would I really have been able to make the executive decision to dress this good? Plus, what if I had thrown away my course requests or something. Then you wouldn’t be able to write in AP Chemistry, Physics and Bio for my courses. So win-win. 

5. Sleep on call, not on you – Sometimes it just happens. I get into a really intense game and then I forget what time it is and oops, would you look at that, I may or may not end up sleeping at all. But at least I’m sleeping on a bed, not on how awesome my mom is. Have I ever mentioned how underappreciated you are? Thanks for everything. (By the way, I am writing this at 3 AM). Love you.