2022 is actually 2020 version 2


Anjana Narasimhan

KANYE FOR PRESIDENT: A look at the polls show Kanye West in the lead.

Rahul Khanna, Junk Editor

Declassified documents released by the US government on Feb. 20 suggest that the recent erratic weather patterns found in Southern California are characteristic of time-warps connecting our dimension to a parallel, time-fluid universe. A mysterious journal, apparently from one such time-warp, appears to give a frightening insight into our near future. The Howler has managed to retrieve a transcript of the journal.

Feb. 29, 2022: I am going insane. I must be. There’s no way this is happening, but just in case… maybe keeping a journal is a good idea. Y’know, in case things go sideways. 

My name is Avegathaniel Joelnickson, or Avg’ Joe for short. I’m a college student just trying to get by in life, but it looks like fate had other plans. 

I was in the grocery store in the afternoon when I suddenly heard this faint voice mumbling in my head. From what I could make out, humanity was being given a second chance to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic, and in exactly five hours we would be returning to 2020 with all our current knowledge. 

Yeah, it sounds as stupid to me as it does to you. I’m been debating whether I’m in a simulation, going senile or a happy mix of the two. SERIOUSLY, could this not wait for midterms???

Feb. 29, 2022: Ok, I’ll try to be level-headed now. This could actually be extremely valuable, but our city’s not sure it’s even real. I just watched the LOL News Network and they’re convinced it was a prank. But then I saw the XD national news conference and according to them, it’s the word from the heavens. Personally shocked that two reputable, unbiased networks have different reports on the same event, but first time for everything I guess.

March 2, 2020: Well, it actually happened. Our clocks have been turned back, hospitals have reported a mysterious disappearance in COVID reports, and I’ve lost about half the stress I previously had. It’s 2020 again.

Outside, people are going absolutely bonkers! There are massive protests online (admittedly, I doubt they know who or what they’re protesting) and many have taken to the streets.

I, for one, still think this is a good thing. Surely, humanity is excellent at learning from our past mistakes. If we know what’s coming, we can prepare for it. It’s laughable to even suggest, nay, MENTION the possibility that our governments would mess this up. Ha hah. Hah. 

March 5, 2020: Ok, so we have messed this up. Apparently, the mysterious message was missed by nearly everyone in Asia because they were all fast-asleep when it played. This seems like an obvious issue in retrospect, but alas. No worries though. Yes, the first case has been reported, but we know it’s coming and should have our quarantines and vaccines ready.

March 8, 2020: Not too many updates regarding the COVID situation yet. A few more cases have popped up, but they’re definitely just anomalies (the government told us so). Just in case, though, I’ve decided to get ahead of the curve and stock up on toilet paper. The good news is I found a buttload of it. The bad news is that I burned through most of it after yesterday’s Taco Bell. 

March 8, 2020: Woah, had to make another emergency update. Apparently, Trump and Biden have dropped out of the 2020 presidential election! Both have announced that it was because they really “don’t want to deal with Afghanistan or Ukraine or any of that stuff in 2021/2022.” They’re trying to give each other the presidency instead—it’s like a game of hot potato with our democracy on fire. Polls now show Kanye West as the forefront candidate—not a bad option, some of his songs are certified bops. 

March 10, 2020: I take it back, Kanye West just released an album dissing Afghanistan, COVID, Russia and the British (last one was reportedly a personal vendetta). So, we’re now being targeted by half the world and political tensions are at an all-time high. Yay.

March 13, 2020: I’m now afraid of our government so I’m going to act like everything’s good with it. Thankfully, COVID spread seems to be going… okay? Vaccines are working well, but the real issue is the masks. Anti-maskers think that 2020 Version I failed because of the masks, while pro-maskers say the opposite. 

The compromise is that we’re all wearing half a mask covering the left side of our mouths. There were scientists complaining that it had to be the right side, but they were dismissed as conspiracy-theorists and accused of being bought by the government. 

March 15, 2020: For some reason, COVID is still spreading? I heard many schools went online. Skype tried to do a sneak cyber-attack on Zoom before it happened, but their connection bugged so now they’re both out. Seems like classes will now be on Instagram Live. Also, about 60% of the workforce just quit their jobs because they know that COVID will mess up their salary. So our economy is dying… but it’s all good, Kanye has a plan.

March 17, 2020: So basically the U.S. is shattered. Half the population, including myself, have accepted that this is a failed version and so we’re praying for the mysterious voice to come back for another shot. We built shrines, but weren’t sure what the time-dude liked so we added clocks, Dr. Strange movies and the car from Back to the Future

The other half of the population thinks that it’s all a hoax and COVID never existed to begin with. So, we’re back to 2022 I guess? If anything we’re a year ahead of schedule, so I count that as a win.

May 3, 2020: It’s been a while since my last entry, but things are actually going better now. With the vaccines, COVID infections are low. Kanye has even developed a plan for Russia and Ukraine to “hug it out”, as long as Billie Eilish apologizes to Travis Scott before Coachella (why wouldn’t she?). Can’t believe it all worked out.

June 1, 2020: #&!@ WE FORGOT ABOUT THE VARIANTS!!!