Studentless learning system to be introduced next fall


Ellie Chan

MO STUDENTS, MO PROBLEMS: Spanish teacher Haydee Vicente teaches verb conjugations to studious, empty desks, amazed that their silent pronunciation is still better than her students’.

Diego Moreno, Staff Writer

With the threat of college acceptance letters taking hold of students, Northwood teachers voted to enact the newest teaching model of studentless learning for the 2022-23 school year on Wednesday.
Studentless learning differs from the previous gradeless model by ensuring that no students will ever be present when instructors are teaching. Parking spots on campus have increased to $900,000 so only the most elite of clientele get passes to help enforce the studentless model. The custodians have also been authorized to use golf-carts to chase illegally-present students.
“We have noticed a rise in student test scores since the return of in-person learning,” Principal Leslie Roach said. “So we have switched to this new method as our already unique grading styles should help reverse this rise in GPA.”
The change was also motivated by mental health concerns. A 99% confidence interval calculated by AP Statistics students showed that studentless learning reduced stress in both students and staff.
The specifics of this model include expelling students if they show up on campus. Classes will be held by having students sit under the trees at Meadowood Park while teachers throw darts at a board to determine student grades. Students will serve detention at the Orchard Hills McDonald’s parking lot.
New classes will begin in conjunction with studentless learning, including AP Honors Integrated Ignorance, where students are questioned on random subjects and fail if they get the question correct. Another development involved the VAPA program’s recent announcement that a new band was being created.
“We’re happy to announce the newest music program meant to replace marching band for the next school year,” Instrumental Music Director Whitney Tavlerides said, “It’s called halting band, nicknamed ‘the Wall of Silence.’”
Responses to these changes in grading have been mostly positive, with students praising the move as they no longer have to worry about missing homework assignments. Teachers are applauding the new change as a means of practicing for the faculty dart tournament. Parents however are divided as it means that their precious children no longer have to work for the grades meaning even undeserving students can earn an A.
“My poor child has spent years in after school programs crafting the very best GPA they could,” Ynrga Tnerapsaid. “All those restless nights and tears wasted all because the dart landed on a B.”
Despite parent pushback against the change, admin plans to proceed with their plan to put students’ interest last and focus on their status as a trendsetter of grading style.
“It’s all a balancing act between protecting students from the horrors of learning and protecting teachers from overbearing students,” Roach said. “This makes studentless learning the best option given our circumstances.”