Senioritis mutates with junioritis variant

Karen Wang, Staff Writer

The Center for Grade-itis Control and Prevention reported a mutation of senioritis resulting in a new and more infectious variant coined junioritis on Jan. 5, sending waves of concern throughout the student body. This recent discovery comes with a 40% uptick of senioritis cases than last year at Northwood.
Northwood detected its first junioritis case on Jan. 3 after junior Co Veed allegedly pulled an all-nighter to finish their saturation report for Honors European Literature. Similarly sleep-deprived AP Biology students detected cafeteria-packaged sliders and a near-lethal amount of caffeine in the individual’s bloodstream. After coming in contact with multiple seniors, Veed experienced symptoms including a medieval accent, a severe spinal curvature and the state of being convinced that they had developed the Bubonic Plague. The seniors in question reported developing the typical senioritis symptoms of burning textbooks and crafting with printed college rejection letters, but noted that they had scared a small group of juniors by detailing college anxiety.
“All individuals with close contact have been contacted and are taking precautions to make sure that this virus does not spread any further,” Principle Lessaly Rouch said. “Please wear your bicycle helmets during class or sit in the corner of your classroom in a time-out fashion if you are especially concerned with contracting this new variant.”
Speculation has revealed that the combination of entering the College and Career Center and excessive staring at derivatives can trigger a frenzy of junioritis. Fear was evident post winter break as an influx of juniors displaying their GPA on shirts while passing out résumés signaled an unfortunate end to the fall semester. Moreover, multiple destroyed copies of “Macbeth” and “Pride and Prejudice” were found in garbage cans across campus along with Integrated Science SEP rubrics.
“I fancy juni’rs cease panicking and instead taketh AP leett’rature and crumposition next year to combat the juni’ritis-induc’d stress,” senior Boysenberry Finn said. “Analyzing the effect of a p’riod and comma shall provideth the arts behoveful to boost the m’rale of college essays yond thee needeth not w’rry about the present day ‘r tom’rrow.”
Discussions for other cures have pointed to theories about injecting Red Bull energy drinks into affected juniors or having them touch the grass in front of campus locker rooms. A large group of juniors were spotted lovingly caressing the turf under the warm sun during lunch on multiple occasions through January and early February.
The rise of junioritis has also led to a rise in club membership as freshmen, sophomores and some unsuspecting juniors have gone into an extracurricular panic.
“We’ve had over 50 interest emails right into the second semester,” Enviro Club president junior Sabrina Nazarzai said. “Interested students may pick up 47 pieces of trash and categorize these items by material and color in order to apply for membership.”
The hysteria over the newly emerged junioritis has also led to a shortage of COVID-19 testing kits from the attendance office. It is advised that students concerned that they may have junioritis take a 10-question survey analyzing mental and physical health using the QR code stapled onto The Oak.