All-nighters, empty coffee cups and the unexplainable illnesses that conveniently inflict students before important tests mark the arrival of Northwood’s dreaded finals week. In the days leading up to this three-day-long torture session, many students are inflicted with sudden bouts of complete incapability and are held tightly by the cold hands of procrastination. 

But wait! Motivated by the tears of countless students locked in an eternal battle against their own self sabotage, The Howler has poured extensive research into discovering the most effective ways to save your GPA.

Throw your phone into the nearest large body of water.

Phones are the root of all evil (at least according to your mom). The obvious defense against this soul-sucking distractor would be to take things a step (or splash) further than the Do Not Disturb button by chucking your phone into the deep end. Possible large bodies of water to do this in are the Northwood pool, the Rattlesnake Reservoir and the upstairs walkways that flood whenever it rains. By submerging your phone, it will be nearly impossible to mindlessly reach for your phone during study sessions since you will (hopefully) catch yourself when you start to put on your scuba gear. 

Reward yourself with the occasional dog treat.

Some say that students “work like dogs,” but Northwood students know that this is no joke. One surefire way to work past your procrastination is to completely embody this saying. Channel your inner Timby and motivate yourself as you would motivate a dog: with lots of treats! Tell yourself with a firm hand that if you have good behavior and finish your work without chewing on any shoes, you will get a reward such as a walk outside or pat on the head. For those with especially doggone self control, keeping it on a short leash will be much easier if you increase the quality of the treat for every hour of studying completed. From personal experience, I have found that bits of turkey or peanut butter and lots of positive reinforcement works wonders. Now, you will really be working like a dog!

Nurse your dying mental health back to life.

To create the perfect mental state for studying, take a quiet moment to completely realign your world view on society and your self worth, or perhaps eat a meal that does not just consist of cup noodles. Students should also look into Northwood’s very own Mental Health Tip Monday Canvas announcements, which provide helpful reminders to touch grass. If students truly want to reach towards the impossible, they may attempt getting eight to 10 hours of sleep every night. Students may also wish to make an effort to communicate with others through simple greetings and conversation starters instead of the usual text message asking for a photo of yesterday’s history homework. Of course, this may be asking too much from some students. Know your limits, and never push yourself too far.

Make a deal with the devil.

Half your lifespan for a few hours of concentration? What a deal! Act now or forever hold your peace.

To summon Satan, you will have to sneak into the most exclusive spot on Northwood campus: the locked restrooms in the 700s building. Once you get in, wait for the 6th period bell and once it chimes six times, sacrifice a whole wheat pop tart from the school vending machines and three signed late slips in the sink. If you complete the ritual correctly, Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” will begin to play from the overhead speakers and Satan himself will appear. If students feel a tad bit reluctant to give away half their life to the devil, remember to consider that while life is temporary, GPA is forever.