As part of an attempt to make their curriculum more relatable to high school students, Northwood’s English department has announced a complete rewriting of taught classics to increase engagement with literary ideas in a modern context and prove that they are not “boomers.” The Howler was given permission to release excerpts from a few of the re-written works.

Julius Caesar

“Friends, Romans, homies, lend me your airpods;

I come to bury Caesar, not to stan him.

The evil that men do lives forever on Twitter;

The good do be interred into their bones, dude.

So chillax with Caesar. The noble Brutus

Hath told you Caesar was ambition:

If it were so, it was a grievous yikes

…

Come I to speak in Caesar’s funeral.

He was my dawg, a vibe and a mood to me:

But Brutus says he was ambitious;

And Brutus is lowkey capping”

“Lmao based,” whispered the countrymen as they tweeted #JusticeForCaesarSalad. 

Things Fall Apart

“When did you become a shivering old woman,” Okonkwo asked himself, “you, who are known in all the Internet for your valor in online debates with strangers? How can a man who has flamed Karens over Facebook fall to pieces because a 13-year-old girl canceled him over Insta? Okonkwo, you have become a beta male indeed.”

He sprang to his feet, wore his goatskin mask to keep the coronavirus spirits out, and went to hit up his friend, Obierika.

…

“I cannot understand why you refused to come with us to yeet Ikemefuna into the afterlife,” Okonkwo asked Obierika.

“Because I did not want to,” Obierika replied sharply. “I had something better to do.”

“Bruh.”

“That is a good point,” Obierika agreed. “But if the Oracle said that my son should be yeeted, I would neither dispute it nor be the one to do it.”

The Great Gatsby 

Before I could reply that he [Gatsby] was my neighbor, dinner was announced; wedging his tense arm covered by a Yeezy jacket imperatively under mine, Tom Buchanan compelled me from the room as though he were moving a checker to another square.

…

“Civilization’s going to pieces,” broke out Tom violently. “I’ve gotten to be a terrible pessimist about things. Have you read ‘The Rise of TikTok’ by this man Socrates?”

“Why, no,” I answered, rather surprised by his tone.

“Well, it’s a certified hood classic, and everybody ought to read it. The idea is if we don’t look out our generation will be-will be utterly submerged. It’s all scientific stuff; it’s been proved.”

“Sheeeeesh,” said Daisy with an expression of unthoughtful sadness. “He reads deep Reddit posts with long words in them. What was that post we—-“

“Well, those posts are all scientific,” insisted Tom, glancing at her impatiently. “And this fellow has worked out the whole thing. It’s up to us who are the dominant people to watch out or these TikTok folk will hit us with woah’s and shoot us down with renegades.”

“It would be lit to beat them down,” whispered Daisy, winking ferociously toward the fervent sun.

“You ought to live in California–” began Miss Baker but Tom interrupted her by shifting heavily in his chair.