Wait, school has real-life applications?

Arya Bhattacharjee, Staff Writer

For many students, school is just hours of mundane, pointless effort. “What’s the point of it all?” is a popular question, and it’s easy to believe that one could get away in life without school. However, our schools teach us some priceless lessons that will absolutely save your lives in the long run. Don’t believe us? Take a look at these scenarios that prove it.

1. Court Analysis

A keystone event in adulthood is the dreaded jury duty. For many, this can be quite daunting as lawyers are known for using voluminous words that make it difficult to pick a side. Thankfully, you can use lessons from  English class to analyze the literary devices in each argument and write a thesis statement, which helps form a final verdict. Remember: A judge telling you to “get that English nonsense out of the courtroom” is just legal speak for “commentary needs stronger connection to prompt.”

2. Put A Ring On It

Proposing is difficult; there’s no skirting around it. But the worst part of it all is the diamond ring. How are you supposed to make up for the thousands of dollars you just dropped? Well, as chemistry has taught us, diamonds are just crystalline structures  made of carbon atoms. Simply place the diamond from your ring in a container with some oxygen, turn up the heat, siphon the produced carbon-dioxide into a bottle of water and you might just be able to make yourself a nicely carbonated beverage. Bonus points if you apply some cost-benefit analysis to make this a highly profitable business.

3. Practice Makes Patience

Worried about your first desk job? Think that the 48-hour work week is going to lead to your eventual demise? Not a problem! The 98 different standardized tests administered between kindergarten and the ninth grade are great practice for working on a mundane task for hours at a time. If you think you need extra practice, consider investing in a few of the 38 AP exams.

4. Tax Evasion

Taxes are scary, but school has trained you to handle them through their rigorous physical education departments and sports teams. If you see taxes coming, simply evade them. They’re aggressive, though, so keep training your dodgeball arm in case they catch up to you. Success rate varies based on your FitnessGram PACER test results. (Disclaimer: The Howler doesn’t condone tax evasion, as the IRS runs a nasty 13-minute mile and we can’t compete with that).

5. Growth Mindset

A key part of success in life is maintaining a growth mindset; after all, our counselors and teachers lecture us on it every other day! Instead of taking a sick day from work, just quit your job. Rather than getting a speeding ticket, commit grand theft auto, which scores you a new set of wheels. Growth never stops in a person. Keep striving for that next level!