Club War breaks out at Northwood

Diego Moreno, Staff Writer

Northwood replaced this year’s club fair with the “Club Royale,” a school-wide war between all clubs on campus, due to COVID-19 restrictions on the number of permitted clubs at school.

“We tried to allow the clubs to diplomatically resolve the dispute between themselves,” Principal Leslie Roach said. “But talks led by the Model United Nations club broke down, so naturally we went with a war to weed out the academically weak.”

“Club Royale” was designed by Clubs Commissioner Jenny Zhang to give every club an equal chance to stay at Northwood while ensuring only the strongest and best college application-material was allowed for students. It’s styled as a free-for-all battle royale taking place throughout the school from Sept. 27-28 , and will allow the last 10 clubs left standing to remain in Northwood.

Clubs had from Sept. 27-28 to participate in a system of total war to eliminate any opposing clubs. Clubs were considered defeated when their entire leadership board decided to give up on college applications.

Scenes of the battlefield demonstrated different strategies across the clubs, including Art Club creating human decoys using paintings, Writer’s Block writing such biting satire on posters that the other participants refused to read again and Cybersecurity Club threatening to release people’s search history. However, these pale in comparison to what some other clubs cooked up for the war.

Chloe Song

Stop Drowning Now devised a means for an artificial drought by taking control of the water supply at Northwood and revealing it was part of a bigger plan to wash away the competition. They apparently spent the weeks leading up to the war collecting and storing the Northwood water supply which was released all at once from the Oak. Their reasoning was that by removing people who can’t swim they will stop people from drowning.

Other clubs caught wind of the plan to flood the school and had accordingly implemented counter measures. The Seeds for Seniors Club, for example, aggressively planted water hemlock around campus. The Marine Biology Club took a more proactive approach by kidnapping lionfish from local aquariums to release into the flooded Northwood.

“Seeds and Marine Bio decided to work together for the war effort,” Seeds for Seniors vice president senior Corina Lee said. “Marine Bio served their porpoise, and by eliminating other clubs, we can now branch out.”

In the face of overwhelming opposition, Biology Olympiad created genetically modified animals using stolen CRISPR technology. Their bioengineered killer beetles continue to pester students, although given the killer beetles’ nearly-identical appearance to the Green June Beetles on campus, few have seemed to notice the difference. 

“The bugs are so efficient, we’ve lost three bug catchers to them,” Biology Olympiad publicity officer junior Shaina Grover said. “We’ve successfully taken all the 900s building teachers hostage to be used as our club advisors, and soon we will learn to actually control the bugs.”

Mock Trial was prepared to act as referees to ensure no major war crimes occur on campus while also recording losses.

“We ensure that only the clubs worthy of staying at Northwood will be honored,” Zhang said. “The students who have fallen will be remembered for their sacrifice, guaranteeing that all the remaining victors will have amazing college applications and fame.”