3 hot tips for enjoying climate change

Rahul Khanna, Junk Editor

The future of the Earth has always been in the hands of this generation, and based on our current treatment of the environment, it’s apparent that we prefer to accept the effects of climate change rather than prevent them (and rightfully so!). To prepare for the imminent, inescapable future, here are some quality tips to help ensure that you are living your best life in a world graced by climate change.

1. Location, location, location.      

Finding an optimal location is key to living fancy in your fated future. As temperatures around the world hit their peak and become unsuitable for human living, your first instinct should be to get that tan you’ve always wanted. This is when your negligence towards the environment, disregard for car emissions and compliancy to factory pollution finally pays off.

We at The Howler highly recommend “Dead Valley”; this city won’t exist for another couple of years until heat waves eliminate the remaining vegetation in Death Valley, but when that glorious moment arrives, you’ll want to move in immediately. Get ready for some scorching sun rays that will give your face a beautiful burnt-coal look.

If you prefer the sea, consider moving to a coastal location near the Atlantic Ocean. You’ll love looking over the gorgeously polluted horizon as the sun rises behind the scenic murky air, and there’s ample opportunity for surfing as the sea tides rise to unmanageable levels, assuming you’re healthy enough to do so (why wouldn’t you be?).

2. Looking fashionable.

There’s no doubt that you’ll want to look your best when Earth is at its worst. When the air quality becomes too poor to breathe, masks will again become a regular occurrence, and if COVID-19 has taught us anything, it’s that great design is key. Consider trying a beautiful ocean blue design, to reminisce about the times when the oceans were blue.

As a supplement to masks, stylish hats are often advertised by fashion experts as a great way to bring out the inner “model” in you. A bright, sunshine-yellow hat will be certain to attract attention from onlookers while simultaneously adding a bit of light into your life, conveniently at a time when the U.S. electrical power grid is knocked out due to extreme weather conditions. However, if you’re unlucky, your beautiful hat may backfire and attract a bee or two, a rarity in a world where bees are (thankfully) nearly extinct.

In terms of clothing, top analysts at Harvard predict that fur coats are sure to “bring the heat” when it comes to future fashion trends. Whether this has to do with the predicted increase in carbon-emitting animal corpses within destroyed forests is up to interpretation.

3. Taking entertainment to the next level.

As important as it is to find an ideal location and look your best in the future, perhaps the most important thing is to enjoy the fruits of your labor; after all, you didn’t take excessively long showers or forget to recycle for nothing!

If you’re a thrill-seeker, you’ll be delighted to know that you longer need to travel to exotic areas to experience Mother Earth at its rawest; you can now enjoy the destructive nature of hurricanes, floods and tornadoes at the comfort of your own home. If you prefer a milder experience, consider taking up camping near northern California. The blaze of a destructive wildfire gives marshmallows that taste of nature that regular, old campfires lack.

There’s also the ever-fun “Where’s Waldo’s Water?”, a game for the whole family to enjoy. To play, simply be the first to find a cup of drinking water that isn’t contaminated. As a helpful hint, it won’t be within a ten-mile vicinity of your home. Our generation made sure of that.