Jam-packed colleges “do-nut” accept students

Karen Wang, Staff Writer

The Council of EYE-VEE Group Presidents was the first to announce negative acceptance rates for the incoming undergraduate Class of 2025, citing a newly-founded pre-requisite of eight years of high school as the cause. Notable universities such as Stand-ford and Northsouthern have also followed accordingly. 

 With the steady decrease of admission rates each year, negative admission rates were triggered by a record breaking 1000% increase in applicants, according to the EYE-VEE League Admissions Center. The booming number of applicants was attributed to the newly adopted universal Donut Theory, a policy that boosts applicant numbers by promising an offering of a dozen donuts each day to each admitted student, specifically glazed and chocolate sprinkled to benefit the elite status of students that attend.

“I had no idea that young adults love sugary donuts so much,” president of the EYE-VEE League Admissions Council Kris P. Kreme said. “If I had known, I would have offered Raisin Bran, lavender and black tea as flavors.”

Current college students who had their admissions rescinded likely failed to make the top 1% of their class or had not crafted notable passion projects such as curing cancer and founding 10 nonprofits. With admission rates faltering to -10.57% for Coco-Lumbia University in particular, college students who remained enrolled had an average GPA of 7.37, according to the Aspiring Student Times. Student Allie Lumni addressed possible grievances of evicted students, but glossed over the possibilities of smaller-student ratios.

“I know nobody wants to go through eight years of high school, but luckily I didn’t, so yay me!” Lumni said. “People might be less likely to complete high school, meaning more available spots for hard-working students like me, so it seems like a win-win.” 

While the EYE-VEE Student Coalition is taking legal action against top universities, highschoolers—along with evicted college students—are taking to college campuses in public protest of the decision by filling teachers’ lounges with frosting and jelly filling ransacked from local donut shops, triggering a drop in donut sales.

“I worked hard for my admission into Acorn-ell University, and now I can’t even look at a chocolate donut the same,” evicted student Gennifer Pee-Aye said. 

While snacking on the surplus of admissions-offered stale chocolate donuts, professors at Acorn-ell University were allegedly content with the new 8-year high school duration, citing fewer finals to grade with a lower student population. Donut enterprises attempted to fight off the boycott by offering coping desserts for rescinded college students.

“It’s been a tough year for the class of 2021, marked by virtual learning, canceled sports, limited school activities and being forced to stay in high school for another 4 years. But the class of 2021 persevered through it all,” Soggy Kream CEO Donut Panic said. “We admire them and we want to celebrate all of them by giving them a special ‘Graduate’ Dozen completely free at their local Soggy Kream.”

While short-termed reparations attracted positive attention, rescinded college students and high schoolers bracing for 8 years of high school created the “Students Against Donuts” (SAD) Facebook support group.

“The legendary University of Pencil-vania was the school that I have dreamt about since I was six years old, but of course some donut sponsorship had to ruin it all,” SAD founder senior Dissa Pointed said. “Apparently, I, along with so many other seniors weren’t worthy of glazed and sprinkled donuts.”