Men’s Rights Activists Lead the Push to Abolish Plastics

Chris Song, Staff Writer

Many men’s rights activists have reversed on their anti-conservationist stances, attempting to stand at the forefront of environmentalist movements to ban plastic goods after chemicals used in the plastic production process were linked to penile shrinkage and a decrease in sperm count.

The sudden shift comes after numerous suspicions arose about a rapid decrease in the quantity and quality of sperm, primarily amongst men’s rights activists that worked in plastic production facilities. Some activists have even gone as far as finally condemning plastic production as “life-denying” and “oppressive,” after aiding and abetting the demise of their own primary symbol of masculinity and life around the world.

“This might singlehandedly rival the HIS-toric genocides of the 20th century,” Men’s Rights Organization Save Masculinity President Phallus Love said. “It’ll go down as undoubtedly one of the most horrific events to ever happen to MAN-kind. Emphasis on MAN there. At least historic genocides weren’t keen on causing the extinction of half the human population—the better half, the MAN-ly half, to be specific.”

Recently, the South Carolina-based organization has started a social media campaign labelled #PPPP, standing for “Plastic Plunges Penile Proportions,” as they seek to emphasize the importance of educating the public about the harmful effects of the phallus-reducers on society. 

“We’ve known for years that plastic pollution was a matter of grave concern for future generations,” Love said. “But now, when it destroys masculinity as we know it? Even if it threatens our core principles, we have to associate ourselves and stand in solidarity with the tree-hugging feminist liberals. This should clearly demonstrate how severe of a threat this poses.”

The response from around the political spectrum has generally been negative, ranging from strong skepticism regarding the sincerity of the radical shift to feminists’ outright abandonment of environmentalist movements now that they have been infiltrated by men’s rights activists.

“As of today, we will be retracting all our official stances on environmentalism,” Save the Tortoises President Tina Peñiles said. “The only reason we wanted to protect the environment was to oppose the misogynists on the other side! Why would we ever genuinely support the turtles if they themselves were a patriarchy?”

While well-intentioned, the focus on short-term political gains instead of long-term solutions to climate change by each side seems to produce more plastic pollution than sperm or gender equality.