Bad days are crimes no more

Diego Moreno, Staff Writer

Anjali Mittapally

The Supreme Court has expanded the diminished capacity defense in a 9-0 ruling by including “having a bad day” as a possible excuse for crimes after the landmark case of Powter v. United States. This led to an immediate 220% increase in diminished capacity claims, allowing people to commit heinous crimes such as jaywalking, petty theft, world domination and scamming.

Plaintiff Daniel Powter sued the U.S. government after he was thrown in jail for stealing a box of twinkies because he “needed a way to cheer [himself] up.” Powter was a lifelong advocate for expanding diminished capacity, and felt that his actions should have been excused because he was having a rough day, not just because he was famous or anything. Since he is a musician, Powter tried to express his feelings through his music especially with his song “Bad Day.”

“It was so annoying that people just listened to my song because they liked it,” Powter said. “The song was supposed to get people to call for criminal reform, but they didn’t, so I took matters into my own hands.”

Powter was inspired by the famous Twinkie defense used during a murder trial in 1979, where lawyers defended the actions of the murderer after he fell into a depressive state due to being deprived of his right to eat Twinkies. As an avid connoisseur of Twinkies, Powter claimed he could not stand by and let other Twinkie lovers be held accountable for crimes they had no control of.

Fortunately, the ruling caused a drop in fines for jaywalking as police have started to become more empathetic towards jaywalkers due to the fact that most people only commit crimes when they have bad days. Littering has also seen a similar drop in fines, but only if the perpetrators were throwing hostess wrappers on the ground.

“I love the new ruling,” professional jaywalker Liter Brug said. “Now I can enjoy my hobby of walking around eating sugary treats without having to care about finding a trash can.”

Unfortunately, expanding diminished capacity has worsened the driving ability of people. Car crashes have become more common as people have stopped using their turn signals, switching lanes without warning. Since people have claimed to be having bad days, fines can not be given to these drivers, but this means driving tests are becoming much easier.

“The pandemic has made this past year or two a complete nightmare for everyone,” Powter said. “So I’m glad people can finally have a bad day without having to worry about getting in trouble for lashing out.”