April showers bring Mayflowers

Hari Sreeramagiri, Staff Writer

In the name of God, Amen. We, the loyal subjects of our Sovereign Lord, Christopher Columbus, by the grace of this great American nation, defender of the faith, etc., having undertaken, for the glory of God, and advancement of white supremacy, and honour of our country, a voyage to plant the first great colony—

Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking. As iconic as the Mayflower Contract is, we need to accept some truths: it’s old, outdated and frankly, boring. So after months of vigorous research and interviewing, I’ve taken it upon myself to create a new and improved version. Except this time, I tell it the way it is.

Colonialism. Here in the western part of the world, we just can’t seem to go without it. We feel about it the way Americans feel about hamburgers and Canadians feel about poutine. It’s a craving we MUST satisfy, an itch we HAVE to scratch no matter how many indigenous people we have to murder to get there. At least I’m sure that’s how our Lord, Savior and Protector of the Mortal Realm felt when he floated that creaking boat onto North American shores and laid his hungry eyes on all the native tribes.

“And today, I must enslave and massacre all these beautiful brown folk and drain this country of all its delicious treasure… Oh, and slavery. *snaps fingers*” Columbus was such an unapologetic evil mastermind that I wonder if Marvel took some inspiration. Still, even Thanos didn’t discriminate based on skin color.

But Columbus’ dauntless leadership wasn’t the only thing that cemented our victory. For that, we can thank the Smallpox BlanketTM, the most brilliant biological weapon in human history. After all, it would have been impossible to infiltrate indigenous lands if it weren’t for this unprecedented spectacle of engineering brilliance. Consider this. What do you get when you have one sleepy Native American tribe and one very contagious blanket? That’s right. The rapid spread of a deadly virus. Just watch out for the bones.

Considering the glow-up history gave us though, you’d think we colonizers were harmless. If you’re a member of a peaceful indigenous tribe, that’s precisely what we want you to think, so we can swoop in on our ships and steal your land. And according to some sources, you wouldn’t even know it, until one day: “Oh look! All the beautiful flowers are in bloom! And, over there! White dudes with shiny weapons running towards our village.”

Overall, the fight for land was brutal, tough, sickening and very very racist. But hey! It made us rich, so who are we to complain?