The chilling realities of global cooling

Lana Hwang, Staff Writer

After several more decades of endless research and study, it has come to my attention that my previous conclusion of the phenomena of “global boiling” is, in fact, an erroneous mistake on my part. I would like to take this opportunity to present the revolutionary concept of global cooling for the scientific community’s consideration.

“Global cooling is the process by which the Earth’s temperature continues to drop at alarmingly exponential rates,” professor doctor scientist First Last from a university far too prestigious to name said. “If this process continues, by next year, there will be irreversible consequences, which can include the permanent transformation of Earth into an ice cube, or, in the worst case scenario, its spherical equivalent.”

One concerning development of this phenomenon was in Texas, where record winter storms devastated communities last month, leading to the stock prices of various ice cream companies to plummet over the course of a day. Gone are cows, who have now been replaced with cOWes that have evolved to expectorate scalding hot carbon monoxide that burns any passerby within a six-foot radius, produce coats as thick as a small barn to conserve heat and produce preheated milk.

“Unfortunately, their milk vaporizes the millisecond that it leaves their body, and we are no longer able to produce our highly-sought-after steaks, as their thick coats prevent any instrument from breaching it,” cOWeologist M00 M00 said.

As the Earth continues to cool, my team realized that these new cOWes have modified digestive systems that release 10 times as much methane as traditional cows. One proposed solution is to multiply the number of these cOWes by 138472573 through genetic manufacturing to warm the Earth enough to prevent the aforementioned effects.

Another option is to put copious amounts of Alka-Seltzer in every volcano across the world; from our research, it has effectively produced an eruption when tested with various soft drinks, which is quite similar to the physical state of lava. These experiments, however, were conducted at local elementary school science fairs, so results with actual volcanoes may display trivial differences.

Though the causes of global cooling are not fully understood, it has been found that industrial companies account for 99.999% of the chemicals that influence this new phenomenon.

“Our industry fully acknowledges the severity of the allegations made against companies such as ourselves, but we believe it is essential to think about the role of individual consumers as well,” CEO of Ice Industries Ima Idiote said. “We really encourage individual activism to combat this event, and we will continue to be your sporadic cheerleaders whenever it is convenient. In other news, your company is proud to announce that we will be introducing flavored ice to our inventory and introducing a delivery service for consumer convenience!”

SABA NABAEIGHAHROUDI

To combat this global crisis, I have devised an ingenious plan that would ensure our planet’s safety forever. Instead of trying to stop it, the world must take an active role in getting rid of the polar ice caps. By crashing a meteor, firebombing or any other means necessary, we can eliminate any possible threat of a frozen world by cutting off the cold at its source. The effects shouldn’t be too noticeable, as we’re doing much of it already.

Public support for the plan will be overwhelming, as a new survey conducted by Nopen Guins research institute reports 89% of the public does not seem to notice anything different in the environment, and 98% expressed that they did not have a problem with the change, as long as it did not affect their ice cream supply.

When asked to comment on the issue, a passerby said “Huh. I didn’t even realize that it was getting colder. Maybe that’s why my organic sugar free gluten free juice was replaced with organic sugar free gluten free juice popsicles”.

Even though these developments may be concerning to some, there is no need for worry. As long as the public continues to ignore the problem, reality will surely come to reflect this sentiment.