Finding your pot of gold this St. Patrick’s Day

Kevin Sohn, THO Editor

With the craze of GameStop last month dominating Reddit servers and national news networks alike, there’s a higher amount of interest in the stock market than ever before. However, when trying to learn about investing in the stock market, often what people neglect is learning about soft skills and the traits of an investor outside of simply investing. As such, it’s our professional duty as well as our moral obligation to explain some of the best techniques for upcoming investors to find their pot of gold in this unpredictable St. Patrick’s Day economy.

Learning the art of patience. Playing for the long game is one of the best ways to turn a profit in a chaotic market, but to do so, you need the patience of an Irish bartender during St. Patrick’s Day. As a character building exercise, it’s absolutely essential that you wear green clothes, go out into public and pretend to be a tree for at least three days. The sheer willpower that you build up from this experience will guarantee nothing but success in your investment career. As a bonus after making your fortune, you can prove to the world that money does, in fact, grow on trees.

Live with the mentality of connectivity. The hallmark of any true investor is how many business and personal connections they have. To build your own connections, make sure to approach strangers with a wink, a lip bite and a “Hey baby” before giving them your phone number and Instagram handle. For extra points, show off your fake Gucci belt and Rolex watch by contorting your body so that they have simply no choice but to notice them. It’s absolutely imperative that you do this before they even get the chance to say hello or tell you their name, and only by doing so will you be able to befriend them and broaden your social network.

Make your own luck. It isn’t enough to do some market research and hope for the best. To really succeed, you must go the extra mile and manipulate your luck so that the odds ARE ever in your favor. Begin by training intensely to become a professional archer. Once you achieve the skill of the fabled Robin Hood himself, you won’t have any problems shooting bullseyes on his website. If you’re short on time, break into Universal Studios and sneak out with some liquid luck from Harry Potter World to ensure you don’t put a foot wrong in your investment endeavors.

Chase a rainbow. Despite its meaning as an idiom, chasing a rainbow is one of the best ways to strike it rich while also contributing to the ongoing mission to discover fluffy unicorns on Earth. Many successful investors have spent months, if not years of their lives chasing rainbows and eventually finding a pot of gold at its end. The most fortunate have encountered double rainbows, giving them far more wealth, and more importantly, a fantastic iPhone lock screen. Beware of Lucky the Leprechaun, however, as he may try to fill your pot with Lucky Charms (arguably just as valuable) and take the gold for himself. In the unfortunate event that you aren’t able to locate your fortune, The Howler is not responsible for replacing worn out windshield wipers.

Look into the mirror, say bloody Mary three times and light a candle. Any successful investor must have a healthy amount of satanic backing in order to conjure up enough of a profit. As such, demonic rituals are the perfect way to boost your career. If you’re feeling a little unconfident, you can always start off by using a Ouija board or ancient Aztec songs, both of which are quite beginner friendly and can boost your luck tremendously. If these options are too simple for an experienced investor like you, test your drawing skills with a ritual pentagram and use a voodoo doll as a spiritual medium, an advanced technique that is proven to align the dark spirits in your favor. If you’re skilled enough, you may even have the chance to summon renowned Trump University alumnus Beelzebub.