(AP) Testing pushes the limits

Lana Hwang, Staff Writer

Nearly all AP tests have been postponed and moved online for Northwood students, but the foreign language and music theory tests will continue to be held in-person due to the College Board’s zealous affinity for the tradition of gathering in a large group to listen to music, sing and religiously chant in mumbo jumbo around a bottomless pit of anxiety and despair.

Fortunately, due to the ill alignment of Jupiter with Saturn’s moons, the AP Music Theory tests contain a listening section that was unable to be formatted for online use. A hex created by the Sign Language witch compounded this issue by mutating all AP video recordings into ASL, preventing any other foreign language listening section from taking place online.

“It’s just impossible for students to listen to an audio recording at home. It is only possible in-person,” College Board representative Node Bate said. When asked to elaborate, Bate said “Mmm, no.”

Research from the Cube Earthers Society has found that singing in B flat minor is a key factor in improving people’s moods; allowing students to test in person will ensure them a higher score on the test, improve their mental state of being and give them the power of telekinesis to steal test answers while simultaneously providing relaxing background study music to aid their  concentration on exams.

Compelling evidence has also been found that listening to conversations in Spanish will improve the sense of community among the test-takers. The experience of conversing in a shared language can only bring people together, and the College Board hopes that it serves as an integral first step to creating a borderless world where all cultures thrive.

The College Board acknowledged that, as a result of the online learning environment that had been affecting students throughout the whole year, there may have not been enough opportunities to fully prepare students for the exams as they once were two years ago. To make up for this, they have resolved to put up posters with cats hanging on a tree, titled “Hang in There” in all testing centers, which will undoubtedly make for all the information that students have missed throughout the turbulent year.

In addition, they are sending out personalized mass emails to all students providing them words of encouragement and sympathy in these difficult times. To make their message clear, these emails are required to have the slogan “In these trying times, College Board is by your side. Literally and figuratively.”

Despite the sound planning of College Board, health concerns have arisen as a result of these in-person tests. Despite medical professionals like Dr. Phil urging people to stay home, College Board, backed by Web M.D., maintains that the act of numerous  students speaking and singing in a shared, enclosed space during a global pandemic poses little to no risk to public safety.

“It’s extremely important for students to go out of the house for social development reasons,” Bate said. “Nothing could be better for their development and mental health than going into an anxiety-inducing, emotionally taxing environment. Plus, there’s no better time to socialize than during a test.”

To help students understand any course material not covered due to differing school models across the country, College Board plans to hold several AP review sessions as the exams draw nearer. Naturally, the sessions will be held in-person to model the testing environment as accurately as possible.