No gift, no problem

Diego Moreno, Staff Writer

A recent study conducted by a couple of Yale psychology professors found that giving gifts is directly correlated to an unhappier life and loss of relationships.

The professors, Lanely Pearson and Brekan Hart, were motivated to study the gift-giving phenomenon after being dumped following a gift exchange last year.

“It must be made clear that our saltiness about our breakups did not affect this study in any manner whatsoever,” Hart said. “We simply realized that WE couldn’t be at fault for our relationships ending, so we decided to investigate other possible causes. We hypothesized that gift-giving was the likely culprit.”

The experiment began by testing reactions to receiving food as a gift; However, many participants were unable to properly convey themselves after being given the food, with most words coming out muffled from the chewing. Barbeque pringles proved to be especially difficult to analyze. Puzzled, the researchers decided to experiment with other gifts.

Candidates were given bouquets of daisies, but these triggered a violent immune response causing uncontrollable coughing, sneezing and quick onset of fever. Afterwards, toys were used as gifts, but the allure of the Hot Wheels caused fighting amongst kindergarteners that destroyed the lab. Clothing items were used as gifts, but the seventh instance of regifting by the candidates led to many tear-stained research papers, the idea was scrapped.

“Our results were groundbreaking on their own, but we wanted to push even further,” Pearson said. “Moving on to larger-scale human testing was the logical next step, and the results were fascinating.”

Pearson and Hart tested various groups to see if personal preference had an impact on how people would react to gifts. Attempts were made to go to parks and give kids candy, however that ended in disaster when the parents of the kids chased them off. They then offered people cats and dogs as presents but recipients constantly broke out in hives and started to become ill. The final test was them passing out boxes of iPhones only to find out the boxes didn’t have phones at all, only chargers.

“It was baffling,” Pearson said. “It seemed like every gift we tried only made the people angry, sick or just confused, but we will see if some zoo tickets for PETA will work.”

After carefully analyzing their findings, the researchers recommend to avoid giving gifts at all times. They claim that the feelings of doubt and stress that gifts create are bound to cause any relationship to deteriorate. Furthermore, the researchers have advised the public to not get involved in any romantic relationships, and even better, not to bother with talking to other humans at all.

There was, however, a notable outlier in the reaction to receiving gifts. When people didn’t want a gift, there was shockingly no stress response at all.

“It seemed like some people were just happy to receive a gift in the first place,” Hart said. “Which is crazy, because how can you have a relationship without bribing the person with lavish gifts?”

The findings have set off a new trend called “invisible gifting.” With this new gifting method, those in relationships show their affection through actions like hugging or spending time with one another. Although this may seem radical to many, the method has shown substantial success. However, due to the unfamiliarity of the concept with the researchers, they do not recommend engaging in such activities.