Storming the Capitol dubbed America’s Bastille Day

Rahul Khanna, Junk Editor

In response to the overwhelming support nationwide, the Biden administration announced on Saturday that the storming of the U.S. Capitol will be made an annual tradition to celebrate America’s peaceful transition of power.

The new event, dubbed the Constitutional Capitol Charging Competition (CCCC), will be repeated every Jan. 6 as a reminder of America’s supreme will of the people, in homage to the recent riots in the Capitol.

“Seeing the masses of rioters breaking into one of the cornerstones of America’s democracy and ravaging the place brought tears to my eyes,” President Demo Crazy said. “The level of devotion these people have to our great government… It truly makes me proud to call myself an American.”

Participants will begin outside the Capitol steps and will simultaneously charge inside and loot all valuables while burning anything else in sight. They are to collect priceless historical artifacts such as the portrait of George Washington from the Washington presidency, the statue of Abraham Lincoln from the Lincoln presidency and the old Diet Cokes from the Trump presidency.

The person who reaches the Senate podium first with the most amount of stolen objects and collateral damage as determined by the Supreme Court justices will be declared the winner, and will receive five presidential pardons that can be redeemed on weekdays and alternate weekends.

“In terms of regulations, this competition will be ‘anything goes,’’’ National Guard Chief Sivil Wor said. “Just as long as you show your love of democracy. Tear gas? Only if you spray it while singing the National Anthem. Bulldozing your way in the Capitol to maximize damage? Color the bulldozer red, white and blue, and it’s smooth dozing.”

Many people have developed creative tactics to more effectively storm the Capitol while showing love to their country. One man in particular, Uncle “QUannon” Sam, is planning to attach copies of the U.S. Constitution to his feet to run faster with the blessings of the founding fathers.

“Calvin Coolidge once said, ‘To live under the American Constitution is the greatest political privilege that was ever accorded to the human race,’” Sam said. “Once I saw the words ‘Constitution’ and ‘race’, I knew what I had to do”.

Those who wish to participate in the annual storming must undertake an extensive application process, and admissions are predicted to be extremely competitive. Successful applicants will typically have experienced 5-10 years of incarceration, a steady devotion to community harassment and stellar letters of recommendation from the FBI. Those who wish to apply must talk to a local representative of the “Ashamed Boys” party, now stationed throughout America.

In addition to the competition, plans are in the works to declare Jan. 6 as a national holiday so that all Americans can appreciate the spirit of democracy. Although no official name has been decided upon, proposed names include “The Real Bastille Day,’’ “W-Day” and “The American Olympics”, among others.

Preceding the competition, a march will take place beginning at the White House and ending on the Capitol steps. Organizers are calling this march “The Real March on Washington,” and plan to sing classic American folk songs such as “The Star-Stricken Senators,” “Yankee Doodle went to the Capitol” and “This Capitol is your Land.”

A group of radical revolutionaries named “Stop the Race” have been pushing back against the competition on Twitter, claiming that such an event would be directly contradictory to America’s values. Instead, “Stop the Steal” have proposed a demonstration of peace to symbolize the power of Democracy, in which members from opposing political parties get together and calmly discuss their viewpoints.

“I am a firm believer that America can be better than this,” leader of “Stop the Race” Ima Jinery said. “We have the ability to come together as Americans, discuss what issues plague our nation and resolve our differences without violence for the good of the people.”

“Stop the Race” was immediately placed on the FBI watch list for sedition and treason.

Preparations are already being made for the first round of the historic competition, set to be held on Jan. 6, 2022, in Washington D.C. Some have voiced concerns about security in the competition, and to emulate the original riot as accurately as possible, it was confirmed that police will not be present.

“What we expect is a large group of predominantly white men,” FBI Director Knot Reigh-Cyst said. “As such, I see no possible threat to our country.”